False Memory

It’s been ten years since that memory,
But only four since it came to bother me.

Was it all just a dream?
Did my mind create you?
Or did you really hurt me,
Like I remember, in the bathroom?

I don’t feel like myself.
I don’t feel like I should.
I don’t feel right.
I don’t feel good.

Whenever she touches me,
I can feel you there.
Whenever she touches me,
I don’t feel like she cares.

Has it all been a dream?
Were my scars a mistake?
Is there anyone out there
With whom love I can make?

Why do you haunt me
If that day wasn’t real?
Why do I have nightmares?
Why are my days filled with tears?

It’s been ten years since that memory
But only four since it came to bother me

Did I hallucinate
Your hand on my breast?
Did I dream up
The smell of your breath?

I feel hopeless.
No answers I’ve found.
Most days I wish
I could put myself in the ground.

Coming to Grips with My Sexuality - 11/18/08

The river bend of my childhood glowed in front of me,

and I sang as I strolled along the sewer run.

What wonders lie in front of me, I could only imagine.

Would my love be waiting at the end of my journey?

As I came to the fork, I looked both ways,

carefully searching for some sign from the Heavens.

In which direction did my heart truly lead?

It was difficult, back then, to decipher the truth.

To be honest, it’s still difficult, at times.

I listened to the voices in side of me,

arguing my future with you.

“To Hell if need be,” one said to the other.

“To Heaven,” the other, “It’s the only way.”

I stared downward, my confused tears joined the mucky water.

In one direction, I saw my future.

In the other, that which they wished for me.

I mumbled a prayer for my soul

and continued on my way.

Encounter - 11/16/08

Walk past me.
Please walk past me.
He stares at me in that awful way.
He winks.
I feel my stomach wretch.
I go to the office
and beg to go home.

He waltzed on in.
I was confused.
Wasn't this the girls' room?
His eyes shone black
with a speck of red.
The blood I'd discover
that night.

My legs burned.
The radiator behind me buzzed
but I couldn't move.
He wouldn't let me move.
His hand left a bruise on my wrist.
The other a strange feeling inside.
The girls entered.

He left smiling that guilty smile
but they looked at me like I had sinned.
I hid in the stall
until the halls came to life.
Then I ran
to the office
to call my mom.

Fake a stomach ache.
Force vomit if necessary.
Go home.
Crawl in bed.
Pretend it's safe.
You don't have to go back
if you're dead.

Workaholic - A Cinquain

Your kiss
I often miss.
Each day seems like the last
since you've been gone. Don't leave me here
alone.

Ethiopia - A Sestina (Kelsey had me pick 6 words... This is what came out of it.)

I think about the taste of your apples.
My tongue swells up, feels like a marshmallow.
I think someday, together, we'll elope.
There will be many white burning candles.
Then we'll set sail to Ethiopia.
There, I will write our love in my notebook.

Nothing is more precious than my notebook,
to me. To you, precious are your apples.
Our daughter comes from Ethiopia.
Her skin is dark, night. Ours, like marshmallows.
Your eyes reflect the flickering candles,
and I know it was right that we eloped.

My parents hated us, so we eloped.
I carry our hearts in my full notebook,
written by the light of a bride's candle.
I think about the love of our apple.
My tongue swells up, feels like a marshmallow.
I think about her, Ethiopia.

Our daughter comes from Ethiopia.
I pray when she's in love, she won't elope
with a man who's skin is like marshmallows.
I pray she'll keep, like I did, a notebook,
and write of her love and their apples.
They'll marry and join their life's candles.

The two are one, a beautiful candle.
Then she'll return to Ethiopia,
and in that land she'll find her eye's apple.
Unlike us, she won't be glad she eloped.
Her apple will shine and keep a notebook
and write of the love of two marshmallows.

Two lovers, we, our skin like marshmallows.
Two hearts are one, glowing in a candle.
A love, immortalized in a notebook
Our greatest love, she, Ethiopia
will tell of our love and why we eloped.
I'll taste again the taste of your apples.

Two marshmallows in love will elope.
Our candles joined, I'll talk of your apple
in my notebook. She, Ethiopia.

I Used to Be - 2004 (edited '08)

I used to be so happy
I used to be so sad
I used to have feelings
Both good and bad
I used to love
And I used to hate
I used to sing out loud
Even very late
I used to cry
And I used to weep
I used to feel
I could never sleep
I used to live
Though I wanted to die
I used to smile
When inside I would cry
I used to do things
I shouldn’t have done
Behind closed doors
I was the stupid one
I took the pills
And pulled the trigger
And then my life
Was over

Noose (extended version) - 7/12/08

tie the apron strings
behind my back, around my
neck, a woman's role

tie my hands with the
iron's cord, let it swing and
burn my smooth shaved legs

tie back golden locks,
hiding thoughts left still unshared
“ignorance is bliss”

Questions for My Father - 7/9/08

Do you love me still,
though you think I'll go to hell?
Do you think of me and cry?
Do you wish I would have died?
Do you wish I'd been a boy?
Would I then have brought you joy?
Do you think that I'm a curse?
Could I do any worse?
Will you change your mind someday?
Will you give your girl away?
Will you walk me down the isle,
see my bride and me, and smile?

Goodbye?

I want to say goodbye
cause I'm afraid of what I'll do
I don't want to say goodbye
because I know that I need you

I want you to belong to me
I want to hold you tight
I want to see you every day
hold onto you at night

I don't know if this is working
I don't know if we're meant to be
I know for sure I love you
and you say that you love me

I shouldn't have these questions
I shouldn't be so confused
I shouldn't feel so empty
I shouldn't feel so used

I want to say goodbye
I know that I have hurt you
I don't want to say goodbye
I want to spend my life with you

Surviving: Part 3

seven years of sadness
seven years of tears
seven years of bloodshed
seven years of fear

hold on to the happy times
the months, the weeks, the days
hold on to the hidden smiles
know that it will be OK

my mind is like a battlefield
the pen, it is my sword
I've fought this war with blood before
but now I fight with words

I try so hard my fingers bleed
my wrists are crimson, too
I hold onto the dying light
I see it inside you

my mirror is my enemy
so are my tear-streaked cheeks
I've called on new recruits
but it seems they are too weak

another battle in this war
I'm fighting it tonight
each battle I have won thus far
but nothing seems alright

another day of sadness
another day of tears
another day of bloodshed
the war will end right here

I'm saving my last goodbye for you
walking alone here
crying my silent tears
wishing you the pain that i own

i'm saving my last goodbye for you

leave me here
sinful, fearful
whisper to me
that sweet melody
childish games
replacing love only by name

escape the cage
feel the air
heavy but free
insert my earphones
force out the voices
with beauty

Silence

try to force the words
hold tightly onto every syllable
"Everything will be OK."

a bombardment of voices
from inside
from outside
surrounded by gunfire
voices
trying to kill me
take away what's left of me

let it take me over
turn the noise into a peace
so holy one could cry
or die

my silence is killing me

do you know how it feels to be on suicide watch?
never have a moment to yourself
always fighting that imaginary villain
yielding swords and words with a vengeance yet uncaptured
knowing a single mistake could mean the end of the battle
knowing all along you'll give up in time
every soldier meets his end,
be it by blade or disease,
misfortune or fate,
every soldier meets his end
eventually

Holding

I'm holding onto something
intangible, secure
I'm holding onto something
I know that isn't true
I know that you can't save me
but to you I always cry
I want you to hold onto me
because tonight, I want to die

Ghost

There's a ghost in my dorm room
I hear her cry at night
she whispers to me as I sleep
"you'll never be alright"
I feel her holding onto me
I hear her final breath
the innocence that you stole from her
the reason for her death
she cries to me to save her
to erase that awful night
I hold her safely as she cries
it will never be alright
don't tell her that you understand
she knows that it's not true
the only thing she asks of me
she knows no one can do
there's a ghost in my dorm room
she's a rebel in the night
she tells me that it's over
No, I'll never be alright.

secrets
killing me
pulling me
into this abyss

secrets
burning me
burying me
beneath their weight

you always come around
with some crazy thing
you did last night
expecting me
to dig you out of it
but what am i supposed to say?
"hold on tight, girl"
"it'll be ok"
it won't, you know
you fucked up bad
but he's not worth
this pain
he's not worth
your tears
he's not worth
an ounce of regret
and he's certainly
not worth
your words

Surviving: Part 2

I'm a leaf
floating nervously in the wind
this gravity
pulls on me
like a hundred mighty elephants
each running for it's own life
each threatening
to take my life

I'm a flower
hiding under blankets of snow
seeking nothing more than just to know
the truth of this
monstrosity

I'm a pebble
in your shoe
annoying the crap out of you
but you leave me there
thinking eventually
I'll have to leave

Surviving: Part 1

a cut too deep
a trip to the ER
6 stitches
don't like to keep
secrets

my friends
call the cops
try to 302 me
i laugh and lie
my way into
some fake sanity

a night of
contemplation
a note
and then
a prayer

forced conversations
with too many
important strangers

too many worries
not enough tears
and i just wish i
could just
disappear

Number Line

I'm a 7 today
a 9 last night
I fear the fall
that comes at 10
hold onto the numbers
defining me
defining my
anxiety

Sympathy - 3/26/08

it's all I have to offer you
a hug
a playful kiss
but you have too much going on
to accept
even this
just listen to my words tonight
absorb them
let them live
just take the gift I'm giving you
it's all
I have to give

touch

the slightest touch
sends shivers up my spine
his words alone
enfold me in that beauty
a simple touch
fills the complex void
for a while
then I'm left
wanting so much more

Noose - 3/26/08

tie the apron strings
behind my back, around my
neck, a woman's role

Wendi Jo - 3/26/08

You are a kitten
nestled on Grandma's lap.
Her grip fails.
You fall,
a sparrow, now,
bright with independence,
hindered by a broken wing.
A lion and a mouse,
I watch you struggle amid the flock.
Take hold of a leaf
and you float away.

Penguin - 3/24/08

They call her "Penguin"
for she's young and waddles so.
Her little feet will carry her
and grow with her all her days,
but her wings are burdened by her size.
She'll learn someday, she cannot fly.

Jealousy - 3/24/08

jealousy is the green-eyed monster
that haunts my entire waking
don't pity me
for all it's worth
is a single slice in my own skin
you hold her and I see your eyes
dig deep into my soul
you raped me empty
stole my heart
then bargained with my soul
my jealous is nothing less
and nothing more than this
I wish you all the happiness
I'll receive without your kiss

To D. - 3/24/08

I haven't been fair to you, my friend
I've asked much more than you can ever give
do I ask too much in simply
calling you "my friend"?
do you ache whenever the phone rings
and you see my name on the caller ID?
have I done more harm than good to you?
have I tried your last ounce of patience?
please don't hate me for my neediness
I deserve no punishment for my broken heart
but you deserve more than I am able to give
so I say my last goodbye tonight
I won't hurt you anymore

A Professor's Sympathy - 3/24/08

the professor's sympathies
are all the hope you have
his musings on life and love
send your mind racing for some truth
accept his wonderings
or aimlessly seek your own
failure seems a way of life
the way of your college life
but the professor's sympathy
remind you of something more
a childhood courage
the strength to move on
and his words
breathe new life into your veins

This Emptiness - 3/24/08

fill the empty with some unknown
be it God or the love of a man
hope for something more than this
this emptiness

The Scent of Autumn - 3/24/08

I know there's the scent of autumn in the air
but my nostrils are filled with smoke
your cigarette stares back at me
and I watch
as one after another they disappear
smoke and ash
and the discarded butt
then it happens
and I'm left
smoke and ash is all that remains
I'm empty
my soul left in your too-full ash tray
is there one last puff left?

now I engage in your bad habits
smoke and ash are all I have of you
I hold onto the butt with my last breath
and swear that someday I'll let you go

Anxiety - 3/24/08

I watch the anthill,
bustling with life. I feel
empty and alone.

The Anthill - 3/24/08

the ants file quickly from their hole
they march to their deaths in the outside world
you kicked aside the anthill in your childhood games
I defended them
tried to save them from a death beneath your heel
round them up inside a bottle
return them to their home

don't look at me - 3/21/08

don't look at me with your hungry eyes
don't stare so blatantly
don't take from me all I have
and ignore my haunting needs

Is it OK? - 3/21/08

Is it OK to love you?
Is it OK to hurt?
Is it OK to walk away
like magot-ridden dirt?
Is it OK that all I want
is for you to let me know?
Is it OK that all I need
is to frolic in the snow?
Is it OK? There's nothing left,
no point to this strange game.
There's nothing more that I can do
than cry here in the rain.

the letter I never sent - 3/21/08 (unfinished?)

the letter I never sent
speaks of poems signed in blood
tales of broken-hearted love
and a war with unknown odds

the letter I never sent
sits waiting in my heart
for the one last line to end it all
for that first and final kiss

the letter I never sent
wants nothing more than just one kiss
but instead of lipstick
it's blood that stains it red

the letter I never sent
holds the keys to my aching heart
it's the final piece I hold of you
it's my final sacrifice

First Cigarette - 3/20/08

wisps of smoke rise up
freshly lit, glowing orange in the dark
inhale
feel it burn deep inside
exhale
a cloud from your virgin lips
flick the ashes
see sparks fly

In the letter you never wrote me - (I don't know when I wrote this)

In the letter you never wrote me

You said you loved me

you said you needed me

you said you couldn’t live without me

in the letter you never wrote me

you said your heart beat just for me

your veins burst crimson with love

your blood cried out my name

in the letter you never wrote me

you swore only a dream could feel this good

only a dream could make your heart ache with love

only a dream could heal you

In the letter you never wrote me

You promised all I’d ever need

You said you’d never leave

You called me your dream

I found the letter Beneath your bed

The last line read “faraway

Lies a place where love will find me

Glowing candles light the way”

But you were just a dream

wisps of smoke - 3/19/08

wisps of smoke
rise up in the air
billowing clouds
tell the stories we fear to speak
breathe in the colors
of the barroom
breathe in the colors
of death
breathe in the colors
of the children’s cries
breathe in the colors
of life
unfold
in colors
blue, silver, gold
flames licking at my feet
enfold
me in the majesty
of nature
overtaking concrete
crunching
beneath my feet
envelope
me in clouds
purple, pink, maroon
a rainbow
in the danger
a sunset
in the coming
soon the blackness comes
and covers up
the blame
return me home
wisps of smoke
rise up from underneath
sweet release
sweet emptiness
return to
apathy

girl (second draft) - 3/18/08

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Dream sweet dreams

But wake to terror

A kiss from some unknown

a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Give me courage, love, and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of wanting

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A girl

To bring you a son

The son

You always wanted

The son

You never had

The son

I’ll someday marry

And kids

must many have

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

You say, “Listen to your heart”

Until it tells me not to be

Just a girl

A Wife

A Mother

I am more than just these three

girl (first draft) - 3/17/08

Who do you think I am?

Just some girl

Worthless

And alone?

A future mother

Maybe

Just waiting for a man

Some princess in a tower

Too weak to lift her hand

Some woman

Lost and lonely

Some child in the dark

A girl like in the movies

With a knife held to her heart

Who do you think I am?

Am I the daughter you desire?

Am I a shame

To the family name?

Am I hopeless

One more lost?

Am I figurative language

Words better left unsaid

The fulfillment of your wishes

The last hope for grandkids many

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Let me dream of some great woman

Wake to a kiss from some great man

Sweetest guy could ever want

Save the smallest little fact

I’m a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Missing pieces of your childhood

Give me what you never had

Give me courage, love and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of sorrow

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A boy

to carry on the name

A boy

To replace your son

Lock me in a tower

To be rescued by some prince

Slaughtered by his longing

Ignore my cries and screams

Ignore my heart that’s bleeding

Ignore my fragile tears

Who do you think I am?

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

Listen to your heart

Unless it tells you not to be

Just a girl

Wife

Mother

Any more than just these three

I haven't eaten yet today - (2/20/08)

I haven’t eaten yet today

Tomorrow, will it be the same?

What can cure this hunger?

No food, no drink

Nor did his kiss

Pained emptiness the same

Bile trickles from my throat

My stomach aches the more

Ignore emptiness for hunger

None could ever fill the void

What if? - 1/3/08

What if?
I wonder nervously
What life will I have then?
What if?
You sit there quietly
Trying to pretend
That it’s not a simple question
With a simple yes or no
That there’s nothing more to mention
Before you let me go
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
Fifty years is what I dreamed of
Fifty years of holding hands
One night is what you got from me
One night so soon to end
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
A simple little question
So many more after that
How did this get so messed up?
Hun, you’re gonna be a dad
What now?
I wonder nervously
How many tears to cry?
What now?
You walk away from me
Alone now I will cry