Forever Kiss - 4/30/07

Thought I’d cry
I thought I’d die
When I saw your baby boy
Kiss him once forever
Say, “It’s all right, babe”
Say, “I loved your daddy so
You would have loved him, too”
He has your eyes
Your bright blue eyes
Your hair, and your smile, too

Sleep, my baby, sleep
Sweet dreams of who you’ll never know
Your daddy kissed me once goodbye
And twice for memory’s sake
Sleep, my baby, sleep
We’ll see your daddy soon
Sweet Heaven cast your light on us
Send my love this forever kiss

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. - 4/30/07

Give your life to it
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass

Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe

Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Waiting - 4/30/07

Waste my life
Waiting for your love
Your love will never come

Sneak out late
Meet him on the sidewalk
Cause I’ll never feel your love

Bleed my heart
Cause I can’t tell it’s there
Can’t feel without your love

Give it up
To him, I mean
I'm done waiting for your love

x stain x - 4/22/07

sitting in the sun

blinding paper – white

– empty –

– blank –

– confused –

clean but somehow stained

– ink or blood –

it’s all the same

x x x

briars rip the flesh

as the pen creates the rose

a scream from just below

– creation’s heart –

– creator’s whim –

– emotion’s silly games –

tears erase the pain

but they always leave a stain

I can't lie when I write - 4/22/07 (this is actually 4 poems. I wrote them all at once, though, and i'm thinking they're a series)

I can’t lie when I write


I had wings once
I could fly
I had dreams once
but that’s a lie
I never dreamt
I never schemed
I never planned
these crazy things
I never wished
on any stars
‘til I met you
you stole my heart
now I dream
a thousand dreams
and I fly
with my new wings


I wish I couldn’t lie to you
but I know I can because I do
when you ask me how I am
I say “I’m fine”
I lie
I’m never fine
without you by my side
but I can’t just say
that I’m near the edge
that I’m reaching for the knife
that my soul is painted black
so instead I say
“I’m fine”
but you don’t know I lied
how can’t you know I lied?
like I’m anything without you


love is a four-letter word
and it rips my flesh like
razors searching for my blood
love is four-letter word
and so is fuck
but I don’t know
what that is yet
but love I now know
it pulls inside
and causes me
to bleed my heart content
it makes me want to run away –
to run away with you
and kiss you underneath the stars
and let you kiss my bleeding heart
and make me whole again


do you know what it’s like
to pray yourself to sleep?
I pray that it’s OK
is it OK?
are we OK?
but my God
he doesn’t answer
like he used to
I once knew
how to live perfectly
but now…
all I want is you

it's not fair - 3/31/07

it’s not fair how much I ask of you
my savior and my friend
it’s not fair I always call you
when I need a helping hand
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I’ve got
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I want

Fly (What do you do?) - 3/23/07

what do you do
when you cut deeper than you meant to
and your heart hurts much more
than you ever thought it could
and the only person
between you and pure insanity
is lying in a casket

what do you do
when the only ounce of hope
left inside of you
flies out of your 7th story window
and you wish with all you are
that you could fly, too
so you try
though you know you can’t fly

I couldn't love you any more - 3/22/07

I couldn’t love you any more
than when we’re lying in my bed
and you’re holding my hand.
In your eyes there is a hunger.
In my heart there is a thirst.
Together we are perfect –
our minds and bodies one.
I love you in my heart and soul;
and I know you feel the same.

Three [Big] Words - 3/21/07

you don’t care
that I say
that you’re hot
you’re a babe
you don’t see
in my eyes
that I lust
in my mind
and I stare
so aware
that you don’t
give a care
and I know
that I don’t
have a hope
but I won’t
give it up
cause I’ve gone
too far and
I’m alone
in my room
wishing you
were with me
and you knew
I love you

Dressing Room Hopes (Looking at You) - 3/21/07

I hope that you’re wearing that shirt
that shows all your perfect curves
and I hope that you notice this time
that my boobs are padded – enhanced just for you
I won’t eat any onions on my Taco Bell
just in case my big hope might come true
and I hope that you don’t see my wandering eyes
as they not-so-discreetly undress you
but I hope that you do see that look in my eyes
that says you’re what I want for the rest of my life
when we share the same dressing room – like we always do
when you stand in your bra and your jeans before me
and you ask if your butt looks too big
and I think that I might have a chance if I tried
but my glimmer of hope only dies
when you check out the clerk at the Hot Topic store
when both male and female alike turn your head
you expect me be looking too – but I’m looking at you

A picture of the loneliness - 3/10/07 (started 2005)

A picture of the loneliness
I felt inside of me
The blackness overwhelms the light
The dark has overcome
The future holds no candle
The past’s as dark as night
The mystery of where and why
Will never come to light
You’ll never know the reasons why
I sit and hold this knife
You’ll never understand just why
I have to take my life
The picture is pure emptiness
Exposing how I feel
Emotions running dead now
Just as I soon shall be
Lost in this broken dream
Hidden from the light
Crying on the inside
Please, don’t let me take my life

Grades - 3/8/07

“A” is for “Adequate”
and it’s barely enough
“B” is for “Bad”
it shouldn’t be this tough
“C” is because
I Can’t Care anymore
“D” is for “Dumb-ass”
who can’t think anymore
and “F” is the Failure
that will help me succeed
in taking the life
of stupid old me

Look into the shattered mirror - 3/7/07

Look into the shattered mirror
Tell me what you see
Do you see the fading face
Of who you used to be?
Do you see a child’s laugh
Behind that wrinkled brow?
Do you see the questions rising
Saying who, what, when, and how?
When I look into the mirror
I see not the pieces shattered
Nor do I see the curtains tattered
Screaming for some TLC
I see the truth, I always do
Inside the wooden frame
I see a picture of myself
It’s who I really am
Broken into thousands
Pieces scattered on the floor
Missing half my heart
From love lost years ago
My disappearing mind
From something I can’t see
Perception really is the key
Tell me, Just what do you see?

Baby Brianna - 3/2/07

Baby Brianna, you’ll get through this
You deserve much more than this
You’re smarter than they think you are
You’re beautiful. You’ll be a star
Don’t let them say you ain’t good enough
Hold on tight and never give up
Hun, I know it must be hard
Visit Dad in the prison yard
Your mommy, she gave up too quick
Believed the lies and let them stick
But I believe in you
Still believe in your mommy, too
Brianna, hun, you’re just a child
You’ve no clue of who I am
But I’m here for you, Brianna
For ever and for always
Baby Brianna, grow up strong
Do good, do well, live long

How many... - 2/24/07

How many times has he broken your heart?
How many ounces of blood has he drawn?
How many tears have you she o'er his words?
How many times have you taken him back?
How many bones must he break?
How many wounds that won't heal?
How many nights must you spend alone
til you finally tell him that he can't come home?

So I Lie - 2/14/07

I’d tell you what you want to hear
but it wouldn’t be the truth
“honestly,” you say
I’m honest and you cry
. so I lie
. about where I was last night
. and how I spend my time
. and the thoughts inside my mind
I tell you what you want to hear
though its never how I feel
my whole life is a lie for you
cause I can’t tell you the truth
cause you just won’t hear the truth

Grace

Grace

the lies
she hides behind
and cries
for saving grace
she seeks
the truth and finds
a meek
heart full of grace