Portrait from my Prison - 12/29/06 [original 2005]

I cry out from my prison
In a cell without the bars
Lost, Alone, Confused
Simply searching for a home
I see no more distractions
I draw along my wrist
You aren’t here to hold me
As I search for impossible bliss
Don’t look at me so softly
Don’t extend to me a kiss
Help me pour out my blood
Help me feel alive again

I've never felt - 12/19/06

I’ve never felt
your tender kiss
upon my lips.
I’ve never seen
your lovely face
in morning’s perfect light.
I’ve never been
to where our love
will last forever more.
I’ve never known
the sweetness of
your loving embrace.
But I know
there’s nothing more
I want than to love you.

Swear I'm better now - 12/7/06

Swear I’m better now
No more tears to cry
Swear I’ll never leave
I’ll never say goodbye

Pain inside can no more bear
Tears of love unknown, unshed

Swear that I’m okay
I cannot feel the pain
Swear it’s not a lie
I’ll never lie again

Fingers crossed, believe my lie
Ignore the tears behind my eyes

Swear that I am fine
No more blood to shed
Swear that I’m alive
Inside, I know I’m dead

Help me to survive my lie
Please, don’t leave me here to die

don't say that you love her - 11/23/06

don't say that you love her
I know it too well
don't say that she loves you
my heart can tell
don't look at me softly
don't dare say my name
don't tell me I'm lovely
for I am to blame
you don’t know that my heart broke
you don't know that I cried
you don't know what I wished for
I wished I would die
don't say that you love her
I know that it's true
don't say that she's perfect
she's not better than you
you were what I wanted
though you went astray
you still hold my heart
but I won't beg you to stay
I won't call out your name
I won't make a scene
I'll just sit here, silent
you know what I mean

beauty yet misunderstood - 11/23/06

beauty yet misunderstood
secret passion hid
for fear of losing everything
within our hearts there dwell

look unto her stunning face
see wherein the beauty holds
her secrets and her shadows there
behind her shining eyes of gold

what loss can stand we now to bear
what great and unknown curse
here hath we yet been bestowed
we mock our savior's birth

listen as I say her name
loud, in whisper call
her beauty e'er hid from us well
let not the words be strong

To Be - 11/2/06

I don't know what it means to "be"
Exist, but never to be seen?
Creation never shown?
Love that never can be known?
I don't know what it means to "be"
But I know that Life wants more from me

Dreams Don't Come True - 11/1/06

Not so much love to go around
I used it up once upon a dream
'Twas a dream that won't come true
You know dreams, they never do

I know your love, it's been around
They say you're what you'll always be
They say our dreams, they won't come true
You know dreams, they never do

Still, I'll wish upon the stars
But I'll dream that we will never be
Cause dreams never come true
Don't you know, they never do

Our First Kiss - 11/1/06

I've never held your hand
or known the taste of that first kiss
but something's stirred within my soul
though I don't know just what it is
I pray that it will never go
and I pray you'll never leave
so someday I will hold your hand
and taste of our first kiss

You say it's wrong - 10/17/06

You say it’s wrong
How can’t I agree?
You say it’s a sin
I say let me be
You say it’s a phase
I say that it’s love
You say I’ll find others
I say she’s enough
You say it’s disgusting
You say it’s a lie
I say that I love her
Without her I’d die
Our friendship is over
For we can’t agree
Still I will love you
Though now you hate me

Forgiveness - 10/13/06

you say you love how I forgive
so easily every wrong
you could do anything, I’d forgive
and the truth is that it’s true
I’d forgive you if you cheated
I’d forgive you if you lied
I’d forgive you if you slit my throat
I’d forgive you ‘til I died
you say you love how I forgive
I’m willing, yes, its true
because of this I’ll always feel
how much it hurts to heal

Another time - 10/11/06

Another time, another place
There’s a way it’d be okay
I know it’s true, but I don’t know
How or when or why
Some way, some how
I know we’ll be okay
Somewhere in a future world
With just the two of us

That's a Lie - 10/11/06

I look at the picture
I say “good times”
That’s a lie

I look in his eyes
Say “I love you”
That’s a lie

I raise my hand
“Of course I believe”
That’s a lie

I look, shamed, at my feet
“We never can be”
That’s a lie

I look past your eyes
“I don’t love you”
That’s a lie

You kiss my cheek
“I don’t love you, too”
That’s a lie

I'm afraid of scaring you away - 10/4/06

I’m afraid of scaring you away
I’m afraid I’ll say too much
Is it okay to love you?
Is it all right to need you?
Am I coming on too strong?
Are these feelings here too soon?
I knew it when I saw you
With the first glance I knew
It’s swelled within my heart from then
I wish that you could know
I’m terrified of losing you
Afraid that it’s too soon
I love you, but do you love me?
I do not dare to ask

It is a choice that I must make - 10/4/06

It is a choice that I must make
To live in secret and to hide
To live my life fore’er in fear
Of my secret being revealed
Or lose it all to live my life
The way I feel would be all right

Inspiration - 10/3/06

Searching for inspiration
I look into your eyes
I hear the words you never said
I feel the pain you ne’er expressed
I see our love shine in your eyes
I know the words I need to write

could fate truly be so cruel - 10/03/06

could fate truly be so cruel
to force our love to hide?
or is this just some passing phase,
a joke sent from the skies?

Will I ever see you again? - 10/1/06

Will I ever see you again?
So near and yet so far
Our last words run through my mind
Confessions of our love
So young, but yet so true
Ripped apart by life’s cruel ways
Cruel irony this life’s become
Alone and yet so much in love
With the memory that you’ve become
In Heaven rest your weary head
Through our love, I will see you again

I wonder if you love me - 2006

I wonder if you love me.
I'm too afraid to ask.
I wonder if you're mine to keep.
Is there any use,
any point to all my wondering,
aimless wandering of my mind?
I wonder if you love me.
How am I supposed to tell?
I wonder if I'll ever know.
Your secret's safe with me.
You keep it in.
You keep it hid.
I wear my heart out on my sleeve,
while yours is nowhere to be seen.
I wonder if you love me.
How can I ask this thing?
I look inside my own blind heart.
I wonder if I love you.
I don’t know who to ask.

I wish that I were beautiful - 9/26/06

I wish that I were beautiful
Not for myself, for you
Then you could be proud of me
Show me off to all you know
You’d be proud to call me “hun”
Hold my hand in a public place

I wish that I were beautiful
Then you could show your love
Without the fear of what they think
Of you because of me

I wish that I were beautiful
For maybe then I’d feel
Deserving of the love you give
So unconditionally

Evolution of Our Love - 9/26/06 (to him)

I want to need you
I need to love you
I’d love to kill you
I’d kill to be near you
The evolution of our love
Our love that never was
It never was because
I never really loved you

normal - 9/25/06

“normal’s all I want to be”
that was the old me
today I’m all I want to be
perfection is not necessary
look at me and wonder
in the future who I’ll be
the answer is quite simple
“forever I’ll be me”

What "History" Did - 9/25/06

“history” is not our friend
“the universe” forbids it
out friendship ne’er again to be
because of some great secrecy
what the hell’s your problem?
why can’t we just be friends?
why do you always bring back up
those things we “almost” did?
you never really meant it
I just strived for normalcy
but now those things in secret said
have us sitting on your bed
your hand runs lightly through my hair
“what are you doing?” I ask myself
you look at me with those deep brown eyes
“I told you this would happen”
I look at you, sheer terror
crosses o’er my face
the universe is not my friend
and history lives on

Her smile holds a secret - 9/24/06

Her smile holds a secret
My smile holds the same
A shameful secret, maybe,
But a secret still the same
A whisper in the night is heard
A kiss upon my cheek
A secret life of lies and lust
A life not for the meek
Within the midnight air is heard
A silent little sigh
A pressure building in my heart
I dare not ask her why
We live in secret, for I know,
Though truth may set some free,
For us the truth would surely mean
A life of misery
Her hand brushes back my hair
To reveal my tear-streaked face
Her kiss reveals our secret
And I wonder if it's fate

Don't tell me you love me - 9/24/06

Don't tell me you love me

It hurts me too much

Don't say that you need me

You want me and such

Don't say that your love

You no longer can hide

Don't say that forever

With me you'll abide

I know of your type

I know of your games

Don't whisper so softly

Please don't say my name

You know that I'm yours

Nothing can I do

Don't say that you love me

You know I love you

Don't say that you love me

For I know what comes next

Don't kiss me so gently

You know you're the best

Don't tell me you love me

For we never can be

Forever I'll love you

In past's great harmony

Far Gone

She’s so far gone.
But is she too far gone
For the Lord to hear her cries and heal her pain?
She’s so far gone
We fear she’s too far gone
So we let her wander out into the rain

She’s wandered far from home
She’s wandered far from God
And now she’s running past our open arms again

Lord she’s so far gone
Is she too far gone?
Will she ever wander back home again?
Lord she’s so far gone
She’s never too far gone
For Your love to reach her let her know Your love

Lord let her know we love her
Let her know we need her
Let her know she can always wander home
She’s so far gone

Who are you to want me? - 9/23/06

Who are you to want me?
Who are you to care?
Why are you so far away?
It feels like you’re right here
With me in this room tonight
I long to feel your touch
I cannot let you love me
It may just hurt too much
I need you to be near me
I wish that you could see
I’m terrified of losing you
I’m scared we’ll never be

Make-Believe - September 2006

My heart wants to scream
Cry out to everyone
Without release
Death soon may come
I shake with all that’s hid
Beneath my calm exterior
Listen to my silence
Soft and low, I cry
Hiding in the darkness
My secret world of make-believe
Forgive me for my lies
I cannot live the truth
My heart cries out
My mind set free
My mouth, though, cannot move
I utter not a word
I hide again inside
My world of make-believe
My safety net – false peace

I cry alone for fear - 2006

I cry alone for fear
My tears will hurt you
I watch you from afar for fear
You might understand my longings

Please don’t leave
I need you here
But you seem so far away

My tears flow
My fear grows
I’m left here all alone

You know just why I cry
You see inside my heart
I do not feel you anymore
I simply cannot see

Please, don’t leave
I need you here
But my heart’s so far away

To V - 2006

My sister, my friend
Forever will I love you
A love without condition

Pain, sorrow
I feel these things for you
I hurt to see you hurt

Truth, lies
Don’t be deceived by anyone
But always trust in friends

My sister, my friend
Held by bonds unseen
I promise to never leave

Listen to My Tears - 2006

Listen to my tears tonight
My blood no longer drips
A crimson spot upon my life
The scars upon my hips

Play for me a symphony
A song for all to hear
Listen to my tears tonight
They scream through all the years

All the years I’ve wandered
My life a broken mess
All the pieces of my heart
All my emptiness

Turn me into someone else
Ignore my lonesome cries
Listen to my tears tonight
Listen with your eyes

Abandon me - January 2006

Abandon me
In my time of need
Murder me
Tonight
Watch me die
I close my eyes
Eternally
I sleep

Skeletons - January 2006

Skeletons
No longer call
My name out loud
My tears
Fall swiftly
To the bedroom floor
I pray nobody hears

The Only One - January 2006

If I were the only one
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
My problems would be new

If I were the only one
To live in so much pain
If I were the only one
All would know my name

If I were the only one
Who ever cried at night
I would be a dying star
I’d radiate no light

If I were the only one
Haunted by the past
I could always live alone
Yet my life would never last

If I were the only one
With all these tears to cry
If I were the only one
There’d be no reason why

If I were the only one
Would I live in peace?
If I were the only one
How would I find release?

I am not the only one
Who cries herself to sleep
I am not the only one
Always counting sheep

I am not the only one
With this pain inside
I am not the only one
I do not need to hide


*extra verse
If I were the only one
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
I would not have you