it's not fair - 3/31/07

it’s not fair how much I ask of you
my savior and my friend
it’s not fair I always call you
when I need a helping hand
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I’ve got
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I want

Fly (What do you do?) - 3/23/07

what do you do
when you cut deeper than you meant to
and your heart hurts much more
than you ever thought it could
and the only person
between you and pure insanity
is lying in a casket

what do you do
when the only ounce of hope
left inside of you
flies out of your 7th story window
and you wish with all you are
that you could fly, too
so you try
though you know you can’t fly

I couldn't love you any more - 3/22/07

I couldn’t love you any more
than when we’re lying in my bed
and you’re holding my hand.
In your eyes there is a hunger.
In my heart there is a thirst.
Together we are perfect –
our minds and bodies one.
I love you in my heart and soul;
and I know you feel the same.

Three [Big] Words - 3/21/07

you don’t care
that I say
that you’re hot
you’re a babe
you don’t see
in my eyes
that I lust
in my mind
and I stare
so aware
that you don’t
give a care
and I know
that I don’t
have a hope
but I won’t
give it up
cause I’ve gone
too far and
I’m alone
in my room
wishing you
were with me
and you knew
I love you

Dressing Room Hopes (Looking at You) - 3/21/07

I hope that you’re wearing that shirt
that shows all your perfect curves
and I hope that you notice this time
that my boobs are padded – enhanced just for you
I won’t eat any onions on my Taco Bell
just in case my big hope might come true
and I hope that you don’t see my wandering eyes
as they not-so-discreetly undress you
but I hope that you do see that look in my eyes
that says you’re what I want for the rest of my life
when we share the same dressing room – like we always do
when you stand in your bra and your jeans before me
and you ask if your butt looks too big
and I think that I might have a chance if I tried
but my glimmer of hope only dies
when you check out the clerk at the Hot Topic store
when both male and female alike turn your head
you expect me be looking too – but I’m looking at you

A picture of the loneliness - 3/10/07 (started 2005)

A picture of the loneliness
I felt inside of me
The blackness overwhelms the light
The dark has overcome
The future holds no candle
The past’s as dark as night
The mystery of where and why
Will never come to light
You’ll never know the reasons why
I sit and hold this knife
You’ll never understand just why
I have to take my life
The picture is pure emptiness
Exposing how I feel
Emotions running dead now
Just as I soon shall be
Lost in this broken dream
Hidden from the light
Crying on the inside
Please, don’t let me take my life

Grades - 3/8/07

“A” is for “Adequate”
and it’s barely enough
“B” is for “Bad”
it shouldn’t be this tough
“C” is because
I Can’t Care anymore
“D” is for “Dumb-ass”
who can’t think anymore
and “F” is the Failure
that will help me succeed
in taking the life
of stupid old me

Look into the shattered mirror - 3/7/07

Look into the shattered mirror
Tell me what you see
Do you see the fading face
Of who you used to be?
Do you see a child’s laugh
Behind that wrinkled brow?
Do you see the questions rising
Saying who, what, when, and how?
When I look into the mirror
I see not the pieces shattered
Nor do I see the curtains tattered
Screaming for some TLC
I see the truth, I always do
Inside the wooden frame
I see a picture of myself
It’s who I really am
Broken into thousands
Pieces scattered on the floor
Missing half my heart
From love lost years ago
My disappearing mind
From something I can’t see
Perception really is the key
Tell me, Just what do you see?

Baby Brianna - 3/2/07

Baby Brianna, you’ll get through this
You deserve much more than this
You’re smarter than they think you are
You’re beautiful. You’ll be a star
Don’t let them say you ain’t good enough
Hold on tight and never give up
Hun, I know it must be hard
Visit Dad in the prison yard
Your mommy, she gave up too quick
Believed the lies and let them stick
But I believe in you
Still believe in your mommy, too
Brianna, hun, you’re just a child
You’ve no clue of who I am
But I’m here for you, Brianna
For ever and for always
Baby Brianna, grow up strong
Do good, do well, live long