secrets
killing me
pulling me
into this abyss

secrets
burning me
burying me
beneath their weight

you always come around
with some crazy thing
you did last night
expecting me
to dig you out of it
but what am i supposed to say?
"hold on tight, girl"
"it'll be ok"
it won't, you know
you fucked up bad
but he's not worth
this pain
he's not worth
your tears
he's not worth
an ounce of regret
and he's certainly
not worth
your words

Surviving: Part 2

I'm a leaf
floating nervously in the wind
this gravity
pulls on me
like a hundred mighty elephants
each running for it's own life
each threatening
to take my life

I'm a flower
hiding under blankets of snow
seeking nothing more than just to know
the truth of this
monstrosity

I'm a pebble
in your shoe
annoying the crap out of you
but you leave me there
thinking eventually
I'll have to leave

Surviving: Part 1

a cut too deep
a trip to the ER
6 stitches
don't like to keep
secrets

my friends
call the cops
try to 302 me
i laugh and lie
my way into
some fake sanity

a night of
contemplation
a note
and then
a prayer

forced conversations
with too many
important strangers

too many worries
not enough tears
and i just wish i
could just
disappear

Number Line

I'm a 7 today
a 9 last night
I fear the fall
that comes at 10
hold onto the numbers
defining me
defining my
anxiety

Sympathy - 3/26/08

it's all I have to offer you
a hug
a playful kiss
but you have too much going on
to accept
even this
just listen to my words tonight
absorb them
let them live
just take the gift I'm giving you
it's all
I have to give

touch

the slightest touch
sends shivers up my spine
his words alone
enfold me in that beauty
a simple touch
fills the complex void
for a while
then I'm left
wanting so much more

Noose - 3/26/08

tie the apron strings
behind my back, around my
neck, a woman's role

Wendi Jo - 3/26/08

You are a kitten
nestled on Grandma's lap.
Her grip fails.
You fall,
a sparrow, now,
bright with independence,
hindered by a broken wing.
A lion and a mouse,
I watch you struggle amid the flock.
Take hold of a leaf
and you float away.

Penguin - 3/24/08

They call her "Penguin"
for she's young and waddles so.
Her little feet will carry her
and grow with her all her days,
but her wings are burdened by her size.
She'll learn someday, she cannot fly.

Jealousy - 3/24/08

jealousy is the green-eyed monster
that haunts my entire waking
don't pity me
for all it's worth
is a single slice in my own skin
you hold her and I see your eyes
dig deep into my soul
you raped me empty
stole my heart
then bargained with my soul
my jealous is nothing less
and nothing more than this
I wish you all the happiness
I'll receive without your kiss

To D. - 3/24/08

I haven't been fair to you, my friend
I've asked much more than you can ever give
do I ask too much in simply
calling you "my friend"?
do you ache whenever the phone rings
and you see my name on the caller ID?
have I done more harm than good to you?
have I tried your last ounce of patience?
please don't hate me for my neediness
I deserve no punishment for my broken heart
but you deserve more than I am able to give
so I say my last goodbye tonight
I won't hurt you anymore

A Professor's Sympathy - 3/24/08

the professor's sympathies
are all the hope you have
his musings on life and love
send your mind racing for some truth
accept his wonderings
or aimlessly seek your own
failure seems a way of life
the way of your college life
but the professor's sympathy
remind you of something more
a childhood courage
the strength to move on
and his words
breathe new life into your veins

This Emptiness - 3/24/08

fill the empty with some unknown
be it God or the love of a man
hope for something more than this
this emptiness

The Scent of Autumn - 3/24/08

I know there's the scent of autumn in the air
but my nostrils are filled with smoke
your cigarette stares back at me
and I watch
as one after another they disappear
smoke and ash
and the discarded butt
then it happens
and I'm left
smoke and ash is all that remains
I'm empty
my soul left in your too-full ash tray
is there one last puff left?

now I engage in your bad habits
smoke and ash are all I have of you
I hold onto the butt with my last breath
and swear that someday I'll let you go

Anxiety - 3/24/08

I watch the anthill,
bustling with life. I feel
empty and alone.

The Anthill - 3/24/08

the ants file quickly from their hole
they march to their deaths in the outside world
you kicked aside the anthill in your childhood games
I defended them
tried to save them from a death beneath your heel
round them up inside a bottle
return them to their home

don't look at me - 3/21/08

don't look at me with your hungry eyes
don't stare so blatantly
don't take from me all I have
and ignore my haunting needs

Is it OK? - 3/21/08

Is it OK to love you?
Is it OK to hurt?
Is it OK to walk away
like magot-ridden dirt?
Is it OK that all I want
is for you to let me know?
Is it OK that all I need
is to frolic in the snow?
Is it OK? There's nothing left,
no point to this strange game.
There's nothing more that I can do
than cry here in the rain.

the letter I never sent - 3/21/08 (unfinished?)

the letter I never sent
speaks of poems signed in blood
tales of broken-hearted love
and a war with unknown odds

the letter I never sent
sits waiting in my heart
for the one last line to end it all
for that first and final kiss

the letter I never sent
wants nothing more than just one kiss
but instead of lipstick
it's blood that stains it red

the letter I never sent
holds the keys to my aching heart
it's the final piece I hold of you
it's my final sacrifice

First Cigarette - 3/20/08

wisps of smoke rise up
freshly lit, glowing orange in the dark
inhale
feel it burn deep inside
exhale
a cloud from your virgin lips
flick the ashes
see sparks fly

In the letter you never wrote me - (I don't know when I wrote this)

In the letter you never wrote me

You said you loved me

you said you needed me

you said you couldn’t live without me

in the letter you never wrote me

you said your heart beat just for me

your veins burst crimson with love

your blood cried out my name

in the letter you never wrote me

you swore only a dream could feel this good

only a dream could make your heart ache with love

only a dream could heal you

In the letter you never wrote me

You promised all I’d ever need

You said you’d never leave

You called me your dream

I found the letter Beneath your bed

The last line read “faraway

Lies a place where love will find me

Glowing candles light the way”

But you were just a dream

wisps of smoke - 3/19/08

wisps of smoke
rise up in the air
billowing clouds
tell the stories we fear to speak
breathe in the colors
of the barroom
breathe in the colors
of death
breathe in the colors
of the children’s cries
breathe in the colors
of life
unfold
in colors
blue, silver, gold
flames licking at my feet
enfold
me in the majesty
of nature
overtaking concrete
crunching
beneath my feet
envelope
me in clouds
purple, pink, maroon
a rainbow
in the danger
a sunset
in the coming
soon the blackness comes
and covers up
the blame
return me home
wisps of smoke
rise up from underneath
sweet release
sweet emptiness
return to
apathy

girl (second draft) - 3/18/08

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Dream sweet dreams

But wake to terror

A kiss from some unknown

a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Give me courage, love, and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of wanting

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A girl

To bring you a son

The son

You always wanted

The son

You never had

The son

I’ll someday marry

And kids

must many have

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

You say, “Listen to your heart”

Until it tells me not to be

Just a girl

A Wife

A Mother

I am more than just these three

girl (first draft) - 3/17/08

Who do you think I am?

Just some girl

Worthless

And alone?

A future mother

Maybe

Just waiting for a man

Some princess in a tower

Too weak to lift her hand

Some woman

Lost and lonely

Some child in the dark

A girl like in the movies

With a knife held to her heart

Who do you think I am?

Am I the daughter you desire?

Am I a shame

To the family name?

Am I hopeless

One more lost?

Am I figurative language

Words better left unsaid

The fulfillment of your wishes

The last hope for grandkids many

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Let me dream of some great woman

Wake to a kiss from some great man

Sweetest guy could ever want

Save the smallest little fact

I’m a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Missing pieces of your childhood

Give me what you never had

Give me courage, love and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of sorrow

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A boy

to carry on the name

A boy

To replace your son

Lock me in a tower

To be rescued by some prince

Slaughtered by his longing

Ignore my cries and screams

Ignore my heart that’s bleeding

Ignore my fragile tears

Who do you think I am?

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

Listen to your heart

Unless it tells you not to be

Just a girl

Wife

Mother

Any more than just these three