memory - 4/30/07

memory
daggers to my heart
that say I’m
just too sensitive
but I know
what I saw and I saw
you and her
she and you went walking
holding hands
the sun beat down – I cried –
inside died
but you didn’t know
didn’t know
didn’t see me cry
didn't know
you would be my last
memory

Forever Kiss - 4/30/07

Thought I’d cry
I thought I’d die
When I saw your baby boy
Kiss him once forever
Say, “It’s all right, babe”
Say, “I loved your daddy so
You would have loved him, too”
He has your eyes
Your bright blue eyes
Your hair, and your smile, too

Sleep, my baby, sleep
Sweet dreams of who you’ll never know
Your daddy kissed me once goodbye
And twice for memory’s sake
Sleep, my baby, sleep
We’ll see your daddy soon
Sweet Heaven cast your light on us
Send my love this forever kiss

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. - 4/30/07

Give your life to it
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass

Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe

Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Waiting - 4/30/07

Waste my life
Waiting for your love
Your love will never come

Sneak out late
Meet him on the sidewalk
Cause I’ll never feel your love

Bleed my heart
Cause I can’t tell it’s there
Can’t feel without your love

Give it up
To him, I mean
I'm done waiting for your love

x stain x - 4/22/07

sitting in the sun

blinding paper – white

– empty –

– blank –

– confused –

clean but somehow stained

– ink or blood –

it’s all the same

x x x

briars rip the flesh

as the pen creates the rose

a scream from just below

– creation’s heart –

– creator’s whim –

– emotion’s silly games –

tears erase the pain

but they always leave a stain

I can't lie when I write - 4/22/07 (this is actually 4 poems. I wrote them all at once, though, and i'm thinking they're a series)

I can’t lie when I write


I had wings once
I could fly
I had dreams once
but that’s a lie
I never dreamt
I never schemed
I never planned
these crazy things
I never wished
on any stars
‘til I met you
you stole my heart
now I dream
a thousand dreams
and I fly
with my new wings


I wish I couldn’t lie to you
but I know I can because I do
when you ask me how I am
I say “I’m fine”
I lie
I’m never fine
without you by my side
but I can’t just say
that I’m near the edge
that I’m reaching for the knife
that my soul is painted black
so instead I say
“I’m fine”
but you don’t know I lied
how can’t you know I lied?
like I’m anything without you


love is a four-letter word
and it rips my flesh like
razors searching for my blood
love is four-letter word
and so is fuck
but I don’t know
what that is yet
but love I now know
it pulls inside
and causes me
to bleed my heart content
it makes me want to run away –
to run away with you
and kiss you underneath the stars
and let you kiss my bleeding heart
and make me whole again


do you know what it’s like
to pray yourself to sleep?
I pray that it’s OK
is it OK?
are we OK?
but my God
he doesn’t answer
like he used to
I once knew
how to live perfectly
but now…
all I want is you