I can't lie when I write - 4/22/07 (this is actually 4 poems. I wrote them all at once, though, and i'm thinking they're a series)

I can’t lie when I write


I had wings once
I could fly
I had dreams once
but that’s a lie
I never dreamt
I never schemed
I never planned
these crazy things
I never wished
on any stars
‘til I met you
you stole my heart
now I dream
a thousand dreams
and I fly
with my new wings


I wish I couldn’t lie to you
but I know I can because I do
when you ask me how I am
I say “I’m fine”
I lie
I’m never fine
without you by my side
but I can’t just say
that I’m near the edge
that I’m reaching for the knife
that my soul is painted black
so instead I say
“I’m fine”
but you don’t know I lied
how can’t you know I lied?
like I’m anything without you


love is a four-letter word
and it rips my flesh like
razors searching for my blood
love is four-letter word
and so is fuck
but I don’t know
what that is yet
but love I now know
it pulls inside
and causes me
to bleed my heart content
it makes me want to run away –
to run away with you
and kiss you underneath the stars
and let you kiss my bleeding heart
and make me whole again


do you know what it’s like
to pray yourself to sleep?
I pray that it’s OK
is it OK?
are we OK?
but my God
he doesn’t answer
like he used to
I once knew
how to live perfectly
but now…
all I want is you