Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Reliving Sunday - 1/30/07

every day I relive that day
again and again inside my head
I replay that fateful day
I lost myself and you
the two are one, you know
me and you, you and me –
never again – we.

Voice Mail - 1/30/07

The electronic voice
asks me for my password –
“You have one unheard message.”
“That’s why I’m here, you idiot,”
I say, like the voice can hear.
My heart beats faster.
It’s your voice –
I love your voice.
Something’s wrong.
You sound so afraid,
like it all depends on that one phone call –
that one call I didn’t answer.
You ask if I’m OK.
Of course I’m not OK.
I say it aloud though you can’t hear –
didn’t want you to anyway.
I need you here with me.
I love you. Please don’t go.
“To save this message, press 9.”
So I do, and listen again –
and again – and again.
At every pause I say, “I love you” –
cause I know that you can’t hear me –
and it makes no difference anyway.
I love you.
I need you.
Please call again soon.

Replacing You - 1/30/07

I told her you were dead.
She said she already knew.
“How?” I asked.
“I just did,” she said.
She’s always been like that –
intuitive – I guess.
I don’t know what it means
when she looks at me
with those big black eyes,
her hair tied loosely back.
She looks at me like you did –
like you did –
the night you died.
In my mind –
I see her kiss me –
but she doesn’t.
She just said, “I know.”
And held my hand.
I’ll pretend she’s you –
tonight – but not forever.
Forever is only you.
She can’t replace forever.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Nothing. Just Pain. - 1/29/07

I hurt.
It’s as simple as that –
a pain no physician
could ever heal –
a broken heart –
a wounded soul –
a blood-stained, washed-up, maggot-ridden…

I am you.
I am me.
I am her
and him
and it
and they
and them
and every pronoun you don’t know.
I’m that fool on the skateboard
with his long hair and braces,
pretending to be something he’s not –
someone he’s not –
something, anything more than nothing.
I’m that cigarette hanging from your mouth,
gripped between your orange fingers
and stained by your saliva.
I’m the dirt you step on
as you walk away from me,
your head held high
like you’ve got something to be proud of.
You don’t look back.
You never look back.
That’s my job, isn’t it?

So it’s that simple.
My role is cast –

She asks what’s wrong.
She says she cares.
I can’t believe.
It doesn’t matter that I hurt.
You didn’t care –
why should she?
To you I was just nothing.
She asks what’s wrong.
I answer:

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Stress Zit -1/28/07

there’s a zit on my forehead
cause I’m not good enough
I glare at it in the mirror
it just stares back
screaming, “You suck!”

there’s a zit on my forehead
cause there’s nothing I can do
another B-
and I’ll never be enough

there’s a zit on my forehead
just a tiny Mount Volcanic-Disaster
waiting to explode
with all the pressure building up inside
I’m surprised it’s so little

there’s a zit on my forehead
under layers of foundation
make-up can’t hide how it feels
to wake up each day and think
“Shit. I’m still alive.”

Is it OK to love you? - 1/28/07

Is it OK to love you?
They say it’s not, but I don’t know.
I just don’t understand
how a love this strong, this free,
could be the sin
they all claim it to be.

I haven't eaten yet today - 1/28/07

I haven’t eaten yet today
not because of the extra 10 pounds I gained over Christmas break
not because of the looks I get as I walk down the hall
not because of the looks I don’t get as I walk down the hall
not even because I spent 5 hours yesterday trying to find a pair of jeans that don’t make my ass look like a life preserver

I haven’t eaten yet today
even though there’s enough food in this house to sustain 10 people for a year
even though my stomach growls so loud I swear they can hear it in Chicago
even though I know that not eating won’t feed anyone else
even though it’s nearly 5 and I’ve been up since 6

I haven’t eaten yet today
cause all I want to do is die

Nothing. - 1/28/07

It’s the simple things that make me wonder most –
the way that piece of paper feels between my fingers,
the smell of burning rubber from my furious erasing,
the taste of words on my lips –
Hate, Love, Misunderstanding –
Everything brings back a Memory –
purely semantic, not episodic.
I remember Nothing as it was,
just as it was inside my Mind –
the World outside exists not.
Misunderstanding to Misunderstanding
we read between the lines and come up short.
Without thought, we say what we really mean
and wish it wasn’t how we felt,
causing hurt and feeling pain.
There are more important things to do
than sit here feeling Nothing… Nothing…
Nothing at all.

jump inside my mind - 1/28/07

jump inside my mind
discover all my lies
see my secrets hidden
it’s the truth of what’s inside
my mind is under lock and key
look inside the book
that is my mind and see
what all there is to see
about me

I scribble furiously - 1/28/07

I scribble furiously
most oft’ against my will
using words like “’tis” and “thee”
words no others use today
amid perfect rhymes
are less-than-3s
a reference most don’t get
at first, but then they do
and wonder how
“lol” fits in my verse
how subject fits the language
though they never are the same
how “less than 3” is equal to
expressions of true love
I write with pen – I type –
I say my words aloud –
I do whate’er will give release
no matter if logic
makes no sense

"I <3 You" - 1/28/07

I’ve been up all night
writing words I’ve never said
typing furiously on the keyboard
writing emails full of love
saying “I <3 you”
like it really means that much
putting hearts around the page
like that can replace your touch
my words become more meaningless
the more I try to say
how my life revolves around you
how you are my every day
somehow “I <3 you”
doesn’t show how much I care
but the truth I cannot tell you
my love for you, I cannot share

Saturday, January 27, 2007

our lives live out like poetry - 1/27/07

our lives live out like poetry
beat, measure, rhyme
scattered lightly across the page
heavy marks of blood-stained youth
searching for perfection
living out our lies
looking for the answers
by writing everything down
our love lives in the poetry
words so harmless, meaningful
creating what we want to see
writing how we want to be

Friday, January 26, 2007

my closet - 1/26/07

I’m gonna paint my closet purple
that way I’ll feel at home
I’ll paint some people in the back
then I won’t be alone
I’ll fill it up with pictures
pretty people that I’ve seen
a model and an actress
perhaps that beauty queen
then I’ll hide my secrets there
the thoughts that can’t been seen
I’ll live my life behind the door
in my closet’s where I’ll be
it’s tiny, but it’s pretty
I love its purple walls
I wish I could open the door
and show myself to all
but that will never happen
I’ll never be that brave
but living in my closet’s not
the life I want to have

Hope Never Ends - 1/26/07

Hope Never Ends

I cry for them
though it does no good
there's enough love
but there's not enough food
we don't know their pain
we don't see their tears
we're too blind to know
their darkest fears
give to a stranger
help out a friend
tell all that you know
that hope never ends

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I always write of secrets - 1/18/07

I always write of secrets
obscure and never clear
never know the purpose
words fall on deaf ears
I always speak in silence
protect my secret peace
but get no satisfaction
no comforting release

Crazy doesn't cover it - 1/18/07

Crazy doesn’t cover it
I don’t even understand
myself most of the time
my moods swing back and forth just like
a pendulum, they swing
and frustrate me without a rest
unless provoked by pain
controlling pain gives comfort
release form what’s forever

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Perky Shade of Grey - 1/16/07

feeling hopeless
for no reason
should be happy
for some reason
not so clear today
such a perky shade of grey
is the sky today
what a perky shade of grey
without love
without a purpose
searching for
some hidden purpose
to live on today
such a perky shade of grey
is my heart today
what a perky shade of grey

Mirrored Hate - 1/16/07

tell me what you think of me
be blunt and speak no lies
I’m ugly and deceitful
my heart resembles stone
I’m insecure and lonely
I’m stupid and confused
you hate me and I hurt your eyes
you simply wish that I would die
be truthful, now, I know you think
my life, I should not live
why don’t you just say it?
I know it anyway
my mirror stares strait back at me
“you are just what you see”

I tried to be a good girl - 1/16/07

I tried to be a good girl
its you I tried to please
I tried to make you happy
now I fall down on my knees
you want me to be like you
I tried my best to be
I know I disappoint you
you don’t know this isn’t me
I tried to make you love me
but this is just too hard
I’m scared to make you hate me
this time I’ve gone too far
you still don’t know my secret
but I know you see my lies
I know you’ll always love me
it makes me want to die

From a Girl (Where Are You Now?) - 1/16/07

Where are you now?
I wonder how we’ve come
so far from the beginning
from just a child laughing
to just a woman crying

Where are you now?
I wander all around
just trying to find you there
from laughter comes my longing
from tears comes my desire

Where are you now?
swept me from my feet
disappear with sweet release
from my secret, to the world
to my lover, from a girl

Sunday, January 14, 2007

There's nothing more than what I say - 1/14/07

There’s nothing more than what I say
I bear it all amid my words
I give so much with every word
But you never understand
Behind my eyes I’m crying
Behind my words I scream
You stare my secrets in the face
And deny them all so blindly
Someday you’ll know my secrets
Someday you’ll see my fears
Someday you’ll understand me
By then, I won’t be here