Your Nightmare - 2004 (a song)

You can’t see me
Though I show you who I am
You can’t see me
Cause you’ll never understand
You can’t see me
Through this nightmare
It’s your nightmare

Drown in your tears
Cry yourself a river
Your life is now a nightmare
And I’m gone… you’re all alone
And I’m gone… you’re still alone

You want my tears
To satisfy your need for blood
Sick surrender
Suffering dealt by your love

It’s your nightmare
My life is not my own
You control me
When I wake up in the dawn
It’s your nightmare
In the evening you will fall
‘Cause it’s your nightmare

Every time I try
Every time I cry
Every time you leave me here alone
Every time I wonder
Every time I fall
You leave me here… still alone

Just wait ‘til they find out
Are you who you’re gonna be
When they ask about the rumors
Or will you just blame me?

It’s your nightmare
My life is not my own
You control me
When I wake up in the dawn
It’s your nightmare
In the evening you will fall
‘Cause it’s your nightmare

Wishes - 2004 (?) (Writer's Club)

I wished upon a daisy’s petals
My wish did not come true
I wished upon a shooting star
A meteor was all
I wished upon a four-leaf-clover
A shamrock at its best
I wished upon a horse’s shoe
He didn’t like it much
I wished upon the lighted candles
Of my last birthday cake
Until today I feared
That all my wishes were in vain

We never saw the anger - 2004

We never saw the anger
We never saw the hurt
We never saw the saddened stares
Behind the plastic smirk
We never saw what lie beneath
Till anger and dismay
Came above the surface
And whisked you far away

Waiting for You - 2004 (?)

Little boy nine years old
Sitting by the telephone
Wondering if his daddy’s coming home

Oh Lord we need some help down here
Oh we’re crying out to you
Lord, there’s so many children dying
Lord, there’s so many mothers crying
Lord, there’s so many people waiting for You

Twelve years old and her momma’s gone
Her daddy’s mad so she can’t go home
She wonders when it all will finally end

A girl stands by the corner sign
Her clothes are way too small
Her hair is done and her make-up’s on
She’s selling herself for rent

Oh Lord we need some help down here
Oh we’re crying out to you
Lord, there’s so many children dying
Lord, there’s so many mothers crying
Lord, there’s so many people waiting for You

Lord we know You have a plan
And You’re waiting for Your time
But we need a little help to save the world

When will You come?
When will the pain be gone?
When will the Lord come again?
When will the children stop dying?
When will the mothers cease crying?
When can we stop waiting for You?

Today I think I'm beautiful - 2004

Today I think I’m beautiful
My mirror won’t agree
Today I feel I’m wonderful
My mind won’t let me be
Although my eyes deceive me
My heart tells me no lies
Today, my love, shall I find thee
You’ll cease my lonely cries
Today I know I’ll find a peace
That my not last for long
Today, my love, is just a piece
Of life’s eternal song
I know someday that you’ll love me
My faults all put aside
When that day comes, where will I be?
Why should I run and hide?
I love you more for all your faults
Though many I don’t see
I will not stop, I will not halt
Till your love reaches me

To Live Today Without You - 2004

I’m in another place today
I’m fighting to live on
In this life that’s not my own

I’m in another world today
I’m fighting to move on
For this love does not belong

I sing another song today
I’m fighting for the words
To say that I don’t need you

Another lie is all I need
To live another day

Another chance is all I need
To show that I love you

Another voice is all I need
To let you know the pain

You left me here to die today
You never even knew
That my world revolves around
You

Till We Meet Again - 2004 (?)

Once you had dreams
Have you given them up?
Once I had hopes
But they grew wings and flew
Away to where you and I once were

Oh great and glorious childhood
How I wish I knew you once more
How I wish you had not gone so soon
And left me alone, with nowhere to turn

Once again I cry for you
As I have done before
I know if I could turn back time
I’d change the things that led to this
I’d block out all the pain

If only time were one great clock
I could turn back the hands
I could bring you back
I could bring “me” back
And we could have had such a joyous time

But alas there is no such clock
These hands cannot turn back time
And you have your life
And I have mine
And we have the memories
Both good and bad
To hold us together
Till we meet again

They tell me not to love you - 2004

They tell me not to love you
They tell me it is wrong
They tell me we’re too different
Our hearts sing different songs

They tell me not to love you
But to love all the rest
How can I love the simple ones
If I ignore the best?

They tell me not to love you
They say I’ll go to hell
Without your love I will not live
At the thought I’m feeling ill

They tell me not to love you
They say it is a sin
But I believe, by the grace of God,
I shall be forgiven

They tell me not to love you
But love always prevails
If we believe we are meant to be
Never will we fail

The Ugly Duck - 2004

“You’re such an ugly duckling!”
That’s what they say to me
“You’ll just account for nothing”
They warned, no thought for me
I used to listen, counteract
Their arguments with cries
That one day, someday soon
I’ll spread my wings and fly
But there’s no use in trying
They listen to me none
There’s no more use in crying
Their mind’s made up, it’s done
I missed my chance to change my tune
Conforming to the pack
I could have had it all, they say
I could have been a star
They could have made me beautiful
It wouldn’t have been hard
Some makeup here, some hair-spray there
To make me someone else
To this very day, they say
They cannot understand
Why someone sensible like me
Would choose to stay this way
I tell them now “I’m strong and free
Not bound by chains unseen”
“I could have lost it all,” I say
“I could have been a star
I could have made myself conform
I could have changed my God-given form
I could have suffered long and hard
I could have worked myself so much
I’d fall upon the ground
Instead I chose the higher road
That brought me to myself
I chose to be who I wanted to be
Who I always knew I was
(And just in case you missed the point
I’ll spell it out real slow
No matter shape or size or color
You’re beautiful as you are
The “ugly duck” is a beautiful swan
And he’s living inside you)

The Girl Inside - 2004

Trapped inside my heart
Screaming to get out
There’s someone crying out to me
A person without doubt
A person with true loveliness
A person without fear
A girl whose heart is breaking
To see the pain and tears
She screams and shouts inside of me
She bangs against the wall
She hasn’t the simple agonies
Of those we walk among
Her grief is locked up deep inside
I, only, hold the key
Yet still I always run and hide
When I hear her cry
I cannot let her out of there
For in her I confide
My most secret of afflictions
She must always stay inside
So I cannot be seen
She would show my calamities
Then the world would know the truth
This lonely girl is me

She sits in obscurity - 2004

She sits in obscurity
“No one knows the real me
No one knows the pain inside
No one sees the tears that I cry”
No one hears her
And no one knows
Of the pain she feels inside
She keeps it in
All bottled up
Until the pain draws out the knife
She slices her arm to let out a cry
A cry that no one hears
As the blood slowly drips from her face
It mixes with her tears
In a puddle of water and blood below
Her hand trembles as she places the knife
Slowly upon her skin
Slowly and surely she pulls it back down
As the blood drips to the ground
The pain on this outside
Cannot match the pain within

Rumor's Truth - 2004

Rumors, lies
deceitful truth
Reputations
Gone berserk
<><><><><>
He hides his face
Turns to the night
Truth’s been told
Now they all know
The problems faced
At daylight’s break
<><><><><>
He cannot bear
Their questions haunting
Prodding him for truth
Untold mercies
Never shown
Truth is just
A stepping-stone
On which he rests
His restless head
Along life’s weary path
<><><><><>
He never meant for them to know
The secrets that he never told
Now his life is on the line
All because of the rumor’s truth

The Red Ribbon - 2004

I wear a ribbon ‘round my wrist
To show my pain within
A simple cry out loud it screams
I wear it like a noose
It strangles me with every turn
My pen takes as it goes
It drips with blood deep red with pain
And brings back hidden sins
For it reminds me of the strength
I have not shown at all
It turns the tears a crimson red
As blood falls from the sky
It cries to those who do not hear
A whisper in the dark
A single life runs out of time
Because they could not see
The ribbon that I wear

My Own Knight - 2004

I sit alone, watching and waiting
For you to come
For you to rescue me
Others have rode by
But none have stopped
And none have helped
I see them all, as they pass me by
Alas, none have seen my face
I wait for you all day and night
To come riding by on your brilliant white horse
With your sword to your side
And the wind to your back
To come whisk me away to a palace some place
Where we can live happy in peace
In the distance I often see you
Galloping lightly toward my home
And then when you reach here,
You gallop on by
It was not you at all
He was a knight for someone else
Someone other than me
So I sit here and wait
For you to come along
To sweep me off my feet
And take me away from here
I sit here and wait
For a knight of my own

My New Year's Eve - 2004

This song is about the heartache
That you gave to me
This song is about the love we shared
And my New Year’s Eve

Death defines its victims
In the valley lies its shadow
Mountains peak at midnight
When you’re knocking on my window

I let you take my heart
Let you break it in two
I blamed youfor the heartache
And the pain that I’ve been through

Was it really our fault that you hurt me?
Was it really my fault that I died inside?
Is it really our fault that we are who we are?

You are who you are
I’ll be who I choose to be
Someday I’ll know the reason
And if you really loved me

This song is about the heartache
That you gave to me
This song is about the love we shared
This is my New Year’s Eve

Life is but a dash - 2004

Life is but a dash
A race to the end
To live the best
To be the best
Life is but a dash

I tried to call - 2004

I tried to call
I tried to say
How much I need you’re help today
You do not listen
You do not hear
The tears my heart now cries
I'm crying out
I'm dying now
You look away and smile
Changing subjects right and left
You cannot see my fear
I'm loosing you with every word
I whisper in your ear
You only hear me when you want
You never see my tears
I need a shoulder
I need a hug
I need a heart
That will listen

I love you more than life itself - 2004

I love you more than life itself
A dangerous way to live
I love you, dear, with all my heart
There’s nothing left to give

I Love You - 2004

I love you
but I fear you'll never know it
I love you
yet I fear I'll never show it
I love you
There's no way left to fight it

My heart tells me one thing
My brain tells me another
The world says it is wrong
The same world tells me that its right
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
My brain's a hopeless jumble
of expressions of my love for you
the love I'll never show

Dear God, why must it be this way?
Why must my brain run dry?
Why can I not see past the edge
of what I should not do?

I know its crossed your mind before
just as it has done mine
I know you've thought it once or twice
or three or four... or more

I do not know what I can do
to show you all my thanks
I fear the only thing to do
is what I should not do

Why must these things forever be
on my brain all day?
I cannot think of anything
without the thought of you

I love you
but I fear you'll never know it
I love you
yet I fear I'll never show it
I love you
There's no way left to fight it

Hurting Me - 2004

Hurting Me
lyrics by: Katie Farris and Valen Fisher
boy girl duet

Just sit back, let it go, watch the sun rise

We used to sit and watch the sun rise
Sit and talk all day
But every time I looked in your eyes
You'd take my breath away

There's something new about you
I can see it in your eyes
There's not the same intentions
There's not the same delight

I'll always be here for you
I was here the whole time
Always telling you the truth
But the truth’s so hard to find

chorus:
Just sit back let it go and watch the sunrise
So many voices deep inside me
Telling me to let it go
I can’t believe I hurt so badly
I thought I could be strong
But now its over and done
And you’re hurting me

If you'd come knocking on my window
I'd come join your would outside
Maybe then we'd watch the sun rise
And everything would be just fine

You come knocking on my window
In the middle of the night
You say you wanna watch the sun rise
Till morning’s full light

I'll always be here for you
I was here the whole time
Always telling you the truth
But the truth's so hard to find

chorus:
Just sit back let it go and watch the sunrise
So many voices deep inside me
Telling me to let it go
I can’t believe I hurt so badly
I thought I could be strong
But now its over and done
And you’re hurting me

Hope - 2004

The night holds many secrets
Only the daylight could expose,
But daylight’s nowhere near
I fear that all is lost
For daybreak comes, but shadows linger still
It’s morning now the sun has risen
But Heaven’s sake! It’s hidden
By a cloud of gloomy gray
That billows looming near
It’s growing blacker as the sun
Rises higher in the sky
It’s trying hard to block the light
Whose rays are shining through
Though little light it still brings hope
The cloud may disappear
If all on earth may soon agree,
My dear, we may be free
From all the burdens of the night
By which we’re bound in chains
Oh look! Another ray shines through
And radiates the dew
For Hope is a bird that never rests
For she must always fly
She has no feet to walk about,
No nest to rest her wings
So she must always do her job
To brighten one and all
With songs of Peace that fill the air
And smiles through the strangers stare
Oh look, my darling, there it goes!
The cloud has run away
Alas, I fear it is too late
The sun behind the mountain fades
The night has come again
But listen close and you will hear
The bird who sings her songs through the storm
And through the gale as well
It sings and spreads the joy around
To every house in every town
Hope beats away the big black cloud
With Peace upon her wing
And then she sings another song
Of Love to one and all
But this must wait another day
For now the day is gone

His Touch - 2004

Though I’ve never felt his touch
I can feel his arms around me
As he draws me closer in
A single kiss
A final breath
And no one could express
The love I feel tonight
I never felt his love ‘til now
Never shall I cast my eye
Upon his manly form
His loving eyes
The tears I feel
Them wrapping round me go
I love him more with every breath
I take as memories flow
Forever is my love for he
The one who’d give up all for me

Hide Away - 2004

They’re all looking at me
I cannot let them see the fear
They must never see my tears
So I hide behind my neon sign
And hope they never notice me
My only goal: INVISIBILITY
Maybe if I’m lucky
They’ll all just go away

For every time I caused you pain - 2004

For every time I caused you pain
For every time I slandered your name
For every ounce of sorrow I brought
For every moment of pain I wrought
For every time I told you a lie
For every time you thought I might die
For everything else I cannot express
For every moment without the slightest caress
I cry my tears like the morning dew
To say that I’m sorry for hurting you

My eyes are my signature
There need not be
An end to this verse
For the end is me

The First of Many More - 2004

I saw you standing there that day
The first of many more
I watched you as you glanced my way
The first of many more
Our conversations lasted long
I knew you heard my heart’s true song
Secrets cloud the sky above
They’ll never understand our love
The glances stopped
Our talks grew few
Secrets shadowed over lies
Your heart grew cold
My heart grew bold
Until one fateful night I found
Myself lost in your eyes
Slowly then, again we saw
The truth behind the tattered wall
Our love they’ll never understand
Perhaps it is the best
Our songs we sing in harmony
Though secrets still may be
The final puzzle piece – a kiss
The first of many more

The Empty Book - 2004

The tear-stained pages
Of my empty book
Cry out with the reddest ink
They breathe new life
To the simplest things
As birds and bees
Lighting and trees

As the sky lights up
With the morning dew
I close the book
Whose empty pages
Never shall be seen

Dirty Little Secrets - 2004

Dirty little secrets
Behind the panes of glass
Hiding from the truth
Rejecting all who pass

Dirty little secrets
Behind those eyes so blue
They’d run in search of cover
If they only knew

Dirty little secrets
Past’s forgotten sins
‘Til robbers enter into the tomb
That’s where your hell begins

Dirty little secrets
In search of something more
You run to find the entrance
Slam into death’s front door

Dirty little secrets
Mistaken alibis
Your cover’s blown and then you’re caught
In a web of your own lies

Curtain of Tears - 2004

I’m all alone right now
Hiding in my own reality
Life’s a game it seems
The rules aren’t very clear

I’m all alone right now
Hiding in my own reality
A curtain of tears is all I see
Cry one more tear for me

Losing the game of life
Behind a curtain made of tears
The little girl is hopeless
All she has are fears

Losing the game of life
Behind a curtain made of tears
She hides in empty wilderness
Stifling her fears

False reality is my sanctuary
As I brave another day
Living in this world opaque
By the curtain made of tears

The Cliff - 2004

I stand on the edge of a cliff
in my desperate attempt to live
I stand there staring down into
the valley far below
I cannot deny the urge to jump
leaning closer toward the edge
a single step could mean my death
the end of the life I know
All that I can think is
"Does he love me true?
Is this the love that I
will cherish all life through?"
I lean a little closer
His hand reaches for my thigh
A little insecure now
my life goes racing by
I'm giving in yet once again
to what he says he needs
I'm standing on the edge now
of a cliff without an end
he's saying that he loves me
and I jump once again

Battle Scars - 2004

She hides her battle scars in silence
All have seen, but none have known
The pain they show within
Though outside all have vanished
Inside, still, they linger
Tearing at her ever time
She takes a breath or two
Not a moment of silent peace
Has been since the war began
Cause unknown and source the same
Still the pain shall linger on
Every day grows harder and harder
And then it all returns
Another battle to be fought
The hardest of the war
A battle between mind and body
This battle can’t be won
At last a moment’s peace is given
Her last breath then she takes
She is a victim of the war
She could not live to fight

The Mannequin - August 2004

A woman stands in the storefront window
She stares incisively at passersby
She never says a word instead
She watches butterflies
Little, green, pink, flowered dress
Sun bonnet on her head
Faded yellow collar
Notebook in her hand
Perfect spot for a writer’s mind
But her hand won’t flex to form the words
Her mouth refused to mumble
So she sits all day pen in hand
The world lays on her mind

The Road to Seeing God - July 2004 (written at Mount Lou San Bible Camp)

My heart is racing as I step
Up closer to the door
The future is forgotten as
My past looms overhead
Forgiveness reaches out to me
And grabs my feeble hand
He pulls me close and hugs me tight
With a gentle caress
Inside the door is Happiness
He’s past the fields of blue
A ray of sunshine fills my eye
My past is left behind
Yet I cling to my guilty sin
I committed long ago
The deep, deep wounds of past forgot
Burst with my crimson blood
I’m filled with pain so great it burns
My heart with every breath
Hope of happiness drifts away
And Danger whispers, “Dear,
My little child come to me and sit here on my knee
We’ll have much fun when Anger comes
And then with misery we’ll…”
“Stop!” I cried and grabbed the door
But locked it seemed to be
No turning back for now the past is gone
The future’s all I see
“I must go on,” I say at last
And pick myself up tall
I push past Danger and the rest,
Toward happiness galore
The fields of blue are wonderful,
But blood drips from the trees
This last reminder of the past
Is all that I can see
My scars attempt to hide the pain
But fail so miserably
My blood pours out as I fall down
And land upon my knees
A cross is lifted off of me
A man stands where I look
My blood pours down his spotless face
My sins are washed away
He takes my cross up on the hill
I nail him to that tree
It’s there my Jesus died for me
With love, peace, purity
I see the lonely cross that held
My sins, my savior’s blood
I’ll hang upon that cross someday
I’ll suffer for Christ’s sake
Treasures shall be stored in Heaven
And I’ll see God that day

Eyes of Colored Glass / Along Life's Weary Path - 2004

I cannot see through tear-stained eyes
I said I would not compromise
My beliefs for those who cannot see
Through eyes of colored glass

I witnessed hundreds, thousands yet
I saw them all and I would bet
Not one of them saw me
Through eyes of colored glass

I know that still another one
Will run the race we haven't won
And then his death we'll surely see
Through eyes of colored glass

Victory is life's symphony
When won by men so bold
As to tell the stories never told
Along life's weary path

None have been so bold to ask of me
Why I cry myself to sleep
As now I lie in fields and weep
Along life's weary path

You'll never know of the seven seas
If you don't dare to ask
And then in glory never bask
Along life's weary path