Sleeping - 9/19/07

Sleeping
used to be my sanctuary
but ever since our last-first kiss
I dread sleep
like waking
and dreams
like taking
that final step
quick like a band-aid
though we both know
it hurts the same

what future did we miss?
what did we expect to find
inside our first and final kiss?
I fear dreaming
cause my mind sees only you
I fear being
cause I fear that call from you
the inevitable
that hasn’t happened yet

Sleeping
was once my sanctuary
now its simply
a necessity
Holy Spirit
rescue me
bring back
my virginity

Suicide's Path - 9/17/07

7 years
of recurring scars
6 years
of missing southern stars
5 years
thinking about him
4 years
missing my favorite kin
3 years
of wondering if
2 years
fluctuating loneliness
1 year
of imaginary bliss
1 month
of planning only this
1 week
to make a dumb mistake
1 minute

and that's all it'd take

inspiration: part 2...or, the lack there of - 8/19/07

a lack of inspiration
has stripped me of my soul
giving in to no desires
fighting to speak no more words

don't tell me that it's ok
don't say you love me anyway
I know you hurt as much as me
for you, too, live in poetry

your words once flew
on wings of eternal sunshine
your mind was once
the place that you called home
now we run from ourselves
in search of a stranger destination
than we've ever been before
in search of some magic conversation
that would give rise to the inspiration
to set our souls free from this prison
and live poetry once more

routine - 8/19/07

11 pm
lie in bed
listen to music
read
midnight
close book
turn off music
turn off light
stare at ceiling
close eyes
1 am
turn on music
2 am
turn off music
write
3 am
get up
check email
realize it's 3 am, no one else is awake
go back to bed
4 am
watch a shadow pass across the room
wonder if 3 days without sleep causes hallucinations
close eyes
count sheep
5 am
fall out of bed
stay there
cry
sleep

I should have forgotten by now - 8/5/07 (this needs a title)

I should have forgotten by now
I should have left you in the past
where you broke my already too-fragile heart

I should have forgotten by now
But once I kissed the ground you walked on
because I could never kiss your lips
how could I forget?
You see, my heart still pounds at the mention of your name
and my eyes tear up when I hear your memory call my name

I should have forgotten by now
instead, I whisper softly to you
as I lie in bed and dream of how you
would have held me
had you not gone so soon

I should have forgotten by now
I should have hidden your memory in the back of my closet
but instead of you, I’ve hidden myself
and I wait there in silence for you to come back to me
I will wait for eternity

I should have forgotten by now
but instead of forgetting you
it seems I’ve forgotten me

An Error - 6/27/07

You don’t know
how much I needed you
I needed you
more than you could ever
need me
And I never implied
otherwise

God gave me the need to be needed
but that’s not how I needed you
In all of your insanity
you were my sanity
Underneath your awkward beauty
lay the companion to my soul
In youth I vowed devotion
You were the light and I, the dark

But as is life
we were soon ripped apart
You didn’t know
how much I needed you
You don’t know
that I still miss you

And in that
lay the end of an era
and the beginning of
an error

guilt consumes me while I weep - (i don't know when)

guilt consumes me while I weep
tears, bitter and lonely
memories drown me while I sleep
a restless haunting wakes me
I wake with sweat upon my skin
my eyes are dry, yet the mirror cries
reflecting tears within
with sad surrender, my childhood dies
I'm left alone to wonder,
"will his love ever be enough?
can he ever stop the hunger
that burns under my skin so tough?”

Emily Dickinson - (sometime in early 2007)

Is it too lofty a goal
to strive to be Emily Dickinson –
to be misunderstood,
misquoted for years to come –
to be studied by college students,
hated by high school students –
to be loved, adored by millions,
but truly known by none –
to put meaning into every letter,
every word and ever phrase
to be spread across the country
after life’s parting breath –
to watch the children play
from a second-story window
on Main Street, Amherst, Mass. –
to never marry, once to love
twice or perhaps thrice –
to twist letters into words
instead of threads into clothes –
to write of things I’ve never seen –
to see things no one else can –
to know what no one else dares?
strong, intelligent, witty,
quiet, homely, beautiful
Emily Dickinson

Change One Thing - (some time long ago)

I asked my friend at lunch one day
a question that brought great dismay
"I know this question may sound strange,
but what one thing would you change?"
"I'd change the way I see,"
said the girl sitting next to me.
"My glasses make me look so strange.
That's the thing that I would change."
"I'd change the way I think,"
said a boy without a blink.
"My brain is slow, so they tease me.
To be smart would make me happy."
"I'd change the way I talk,"
I said, as I leaned against the wall.
"My voice sounds strange, I often squeak,
I'm always getting called a geek."
"If I could change one thing,"
said a girl we'd never seen,
"I'd have to pick from three.
I think I'd change the way we see
ourselves and those around.
we never see the pain we cause
when we put other down.
or perhaps I'd change the way we thing,
make us know how much they blink
to hold back tears that aren't their fault.
But I think I'd change the way we talk
to others and ourselves.
I wish we'd put those hurtful words
back upon the shelf."
And then she turned and walked away.
She'd said all that she had to say.
We took it hard, those things she said.
Their truth was just above our heads.

Confession - 6/17/07 (this isn't done yet.)

sometimes I think of you
as more than a friend
sometimes I wish
that the night would never end
sometimes I wake up
dreaming of you
someday I’ll go to sleep
holding on to you

Why I Write - 6/10/07

not enough passion
not enough skill
not enough hunger
to give you that thrill
the thrill of the poem
that reaches your soul
the empty conclusion
that makes you feel whole
I don’t have the talent
I can’t make you feel
my poems have purpose
or that they are real
I don’t have the answers
don’t ask questions right
rhymes aren’t always perfect
but still, I sure try
I write for myself
and I write for you
I write cause I have to
and I love to write, too

your words - 6/9/07

your words
breathe life onto the page
you speak
more beauty with your pen
than God
spoke in all of creation
give thanks
for the Lord is good
and gave
you the words to speak
and gave
you a pen to speak them with
your thoughts
are a masterpiece waiting to
be written
let it be written

That Says - 6/8/07

there’s an old pink scar on my leg
that says
I’m not good enough

there’s a yellowing bruise on my leg
that says
I don’t hide my pain well

there’s a dark red line on my leg
that says
I’ll never change

a short poem undeserving of a title - 6/7/07

if I look in the mirror at night
and pray with all of my might,
would I wake up next morning and find
that I’d received my wish and died?

look into my mind's eye - 6/6/07

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me, was it real?
swept up in the moment
inhibitions fade
promise something secret
give in to the desire

promise once a future
promise twice a lie
promise last a secret
but then you say goodbye

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me what you see
am I still the person
that you thought me to be?
am I still your little secret?
am I still the one?
am I still your lover
or is that love long gone?

make believe we’re perfect
make believe it’s destiny
make believe it’s anything
make believe it wasn’t me

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me, was it real?
kiss me in the corner
promise me forever
give you all I’m made of
leave me stranded here, alone

first crush - 6/6/07

his eyes, I don’t remember
nor if he ever held my hand
did we pledge allegiance?
did we vow each of our lives?
did we promise to get married?
did he kiss me goodbye?
I don’t remember much today
about my earliest crush
I remember that I loved him
or so my journal says
for three years we were
best of friends
then suddenly, it all changed

degrees of desire - 6/5/07

I knew you weren’t ready
but I didn’t really care
you knew I wasn’t ready
but you didn’t really care
different degrees of desire
I, longing for your love
you, longing for my…
that’s not important anymore
you knew I wasn’t ready
I made myself quite clear
I knew you weren’t ready
but pretended that you were
“I love you” I would say
and in return, the same,
half-hearted, mumbled low
I’ve decided that I’m ready
different degrees of desire
leave me wondering
cause I made you wait too long
but I’d still wait for eternity

A Sculpture of Lost Love - 6/4/07

they say a picture’s worth a thousand words,
but is a sculpture worth the same?
how much more would I be worth
if I stood out in the rain
and waited for my broken heart
to turn to solid rust?
would I be worth a thousand words
before I turned to dust?
would you look at me and say
that I’m finally your muse?
would you say I was the only one
that our love was really true?
when I’m gone and nothing’s left
but the final memory
and the picture of my broken heart,
will you look at me
and wish that you could finally say
just what you really meant
when you failed to open up your heart
and gave me up for Lent?

A War Mother's Sorrow - 6/4/07

What war is it
that you must fight
that’ll take you far from home?
Is it worth a human life?
Will you have to give your own?
“It’s a civil war,” you say at last,
“a war for human rights.”
I hear a bomb in the night blast.
Must you really leave tonight?
“I must, dear mother.” You kiss my cheek
and then you walk away.
I won’t see you for fifty-two weeks,
a year minus a day.
When again I see your face
it’s in a casket laid.
Oh, how I long for your embrace,
but all I get is financial aide.

I want to write you a poem - 6/3/07

I want to write you a poem
tell you how much that I hurt
make a list of all my sorrows
say our love was just a curse

I want to write you a poem
full of all the love I know
give you everything I hold inside
but the pain I would not show

I want to write you a poem
let you know just what you’ve done
leave you empty, knowing nothing
but the void I have become

I want to write you a poem
with all the love I could express
tell you all the secrets of my heart
all but my loneliness

I want to write you a poem
a thousand, if need be
but I just can’t decide
what’s in store for you and me

replacing love - 6/2/07

blood drips
crimson from my thigh
release –
such fake release
feeling nothing
and *slice*
still nothing

what happened
to the days
when a fingernail
driven deep
into the flesh
could satiate the void
replace numb
with controlled pain

now
numb and pain
are synonyms
life’s agonies enthrall
introduction to
this cruel game
where blood
replaces
love

no title would be enough - 6/1/07 (an experiment in... something)

you made me
want to write
without you
I don't want to
breathe

don't tell me
that you love me
you've proven
differently
you've made me
want to die
tonight, though
I'll just
cry

I would cry tears
on your shoulder
I'd let you
comfort me
you break it
you mend it

but it doesn't
work like that
you can't say
you're sorry
and expect
forgiveness

even from me

talking about forever - 5/14/07

in my mind, you kiss my cheek
and the innocence of it
makes me cry

we’re talking about forever
and in my mind, I’m watching us
in your dorm room
the lights turned low

I want to sing to you
all the praises that I know
give you all the love
from every poem ever written

I want to hold you in the darkness
cry with you
breathe out this depression with you
never know sadness again

I’m thinking about forever
yes or no
fearing either reality

there is no doubt
how I feel right now
but I don’t want to hurt you again

we’re talking about forever
as I contemplate eternity
among other things

it must be fate
and I must agree
I could talk about forever
for eternity

depression - 5/7/07

I’ll call you when
I can speak again
I'll visit when
I can breathe again
I’ll write more when
I can feel again
I’ll sing some when
I have faith again
I’ll kiss you when
I feel good again
you’ll love me when
I’m me again

Prayer for Love - 5/6/07

Lord, take me to September
let me see her face
let me whisper in her ear
let me know of her embrace
Lord, give me wings to fly to her
so I, her kiss can taste
give me strength for miles to walk
let me walk it with great haste
Lord, do not let me lose her now
let me know the words to say
let me tell her that I love her
I will love her for always

Breathe - 5/2/07

you’re the only reason
I breathe anymore
but I can’t
even feel your breath
and I wouldn’t know
if you took your final breath
tomorrow
we’re worlds apart
I must wonder if you’re even real
I breathe just for you
I want to be with you
to live with you
to breathe with you
and when you take your final breath
I want to breathe right next to you
so let’s breathe out life
together
for love’s sake
just breathe

memory - 4/30/07

memory
daggers to my heart
that say I’m
just too sensitive
but I know
what I saw and I saw
you and her
she and you went walking
holding hands
the sun beat down – I cried –
inside died
but you didn’t know
didn’t know
didn’t see me cry
didn't know
you would be my last
memory

Forever Kiss - 4/30/07

Thought I’d cry
I thought I’d die
When I saw your baby boy
Kiss him once forever
Say, “It’s all right, babe”
Say, “I loved your daddy so
You would have loved him, too”
He has your eyes
Your bright blue eyes
Your hair, and your smile, too

Sleep, my baby, sleep
Sweet dreams of who you’ll never know
Your daddy kissed me once goodbye
And twice for memory’s sake
Sleep, my baby, sleep
We’ll see your daddy soon
Sweet Heaven cast your light on us
Send my love this forever kiss

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. - 4/30/07

Give your life to it
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass

Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe

Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Waiting - 4/30/07

Waste my life
Waiting for your love
Your love will never come

Sneak out late
Meet him on the sidewalk
Cause I’ll never feel your love

Bleed my heart
Cause I can’t tell it’s there
Can’t feel without your love

Give it up
To him, I mean
I'm done waiting for your love

x stain x - 4/22/07

sitting in the sun

blinding paper – white

– empty –

– blank –

– confused –

clean but somehow stained

– ink or blood –

it’s all the same

x x x

briars rip the flesh

as the pen creates the rose

a scream from just below

– creation’s heart –

– creator’s whim –

– emotion’s silly games –

tears erase the pain

but they always leave a stain

I can't lie when I write - 4/22/07 (this is actually 4 poems. I wrote them all at once, though, and i'm thinking they're a series)

I can’t lie when I write


I had wings once
I could fly
I had dreams once
but that’s a lie
I never dreamt
I never schemed
I never planned
these crazy things
I never wished
on any stars
‘til I met you
you stole my heart
now I dream
a thousand dreams
and I fly
with my new wings


I wish I couldn’t lie to you
but I know I can because I do
when you ask me how I am
I say “I’m fine”
I lie
I’m never fine
without you by my side
but I can’t just say
that I’m near the edge
that I’m reaching for the knife
that my soul is painted black
so instead I say
“I’m fine”
but you don’t know I lied
how can’t you know I lied?
like I’m anything without you


love is a four-letter word
and it rips my flesh like
razors searching for my blood
love is four-letter word
and so is fuck
but I don’t know
what that is yet
but love I now know
it pulls inside
and causes me
to bleed my heart content
it makes me want to run away –
to run away with you
and kiss you underneath the stars
and let you kiss my bleeding heart
and make me whole again


do you know what it’s like
to pray yourself to sleep?
I pray that it’s OK
is it OK?
are we OK?
but my God
he doesn’t answer
like he used to
I once knew
how to live perfectly
but now…
all I want is you

it's not fair - 3/31/07

it’s not fair how much I ask of you
my savior and my friend
it’s not fair I always call you
when I need a helping hand
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I’ve got
it’s not fair to you, I know
but you are all I want

Fly (What do you do?) - 3/23/07

what do you do
when you cut deeper than you meant to
and your heart hurts much more
than you ever thought it could
and the only person
between you and pure insanity
is lying in a casket

what do you do
when the only ounce of hope
left inside of you
flies out of your 7th story window
and you wish with all you are
that you could fly, too
so you try
though you know you can’t fly

I couldn't love you any more - 3/22/07

I couldn’t love you any more
than when we’re lying in my bed
and you’re holding my hand.
In your eyes there is a hunger.
In my heart there is a thirst.
Together we are perfect –
our minds and bodies one.
I love you in my heart and soul;
and I know you feel the same.

Three [Big] Words - 3/21/07

you don’t care
that I say
that you’re hot
you’re a babe
you don’t see
in my eyes
that I lust
in my mind
and I stare
so aware
that you don’t
give a care
and I know
that I don’t
have a hope
but I won’t
give it up
cause I’ve gone
too far and
I’m alone
in my room
wishing you
were with me
and you knew
I love you

Dressing Room Hopes (Looking at You) - 3/21/07

I hope that you’re wearing that shirt
that shows all your perfect curves
and I hope that you notice this time
that my boobs are padded – enhanced just for you
I won’t eat any onions on my Taco Bell
just in case my big hope might come true
and I hope that you don’t see my wandering eyes
as they not-so-discreetly undress you
but I hope that you do see that look in my eyes
that says you’re what I want for the rest of my life
when we share the same dressing room – like we always do
when you stand in your bra and your jeans before me
and you ask if your butt looks too big
and I think that I might have a chance if I tried
but my glimmer of hope only dies
when you check out the clerk at the Hot Topic store
when both male and female alike turn your head
you expect me be looking too – but I’m looking at you

A picture of the loneliness - 3/10/07 (started 2005)

A picture of the loneliness
I felt inside of me
The blackness overwhelms the light
The dark has overcome
The future holds no candle
The past’s as dark as night
The mystery of where and why
Will never come to light
You’ll never know the reasons why
I sit and hold this knife
You’ll never understand just why
I have to take my life
The picture is pure emptiness
Exposing how I feel
Emotions running dead now
Just as I soon shall be
Lost in this broken dream
Hidden from the light
Crying on the inside
Please, don’t let me take my life

Grades - 3/8/07

“A” is for “Adequate”
and it’s barely enough
“B” is for “Bad”
it shouldn’t be this tough
“C” is because
I Can’t Care anymore
“D” is for “Dumb-ass”
who can’t think anymore
and “F” is the Failure
that will help me succeed
in taking the life
of stupid old me

Look into the shattered mirror - 3/7/07

Look into the shattered mirror
Tell me what you see
Do you see the fading face
Of who you used to be?
Do you see a child’s laugh
Behind that wrinkled brow?
Do you see the questions rising
Saying who, what, when, and how?
When I look into the mirror
I see not the pieces shattered
Nor do I see the curtains tattered
Screaming for some TLC
I see the truth, I always do
Inside the wooden frame
I see a picture of myself
It’s who I really am
Broken into thousands
Pieces scattered on the floor
Missing half my heart
From love lost years ago
My disappearing mind
From something I can’t see
Perception really is the key
Tell me, Just what do you see?

Baby Brianna - 3/2/07

Baby Brianna, you’ll get through this
You deserve much more than this
You’re smarter than they think you are
You’re beautiful. You’ll be a star
Don’t let them say you ain’t good enough
Hold on tight and never give up
Hun, I know it must be hard
Visit Dad in the prison yard
Your mommy, she gave up too quick
Believed the lies and let them stick
But I believe in you
Still believe in your mommy, too
Brianna, hun, you’re just a child
You’ve no clue of who I am
But I’m here for you, Brianna
For ever and for always
Baby Brianna, grow up strong
Do good, do well, live long

How many... - 2/24/07

How many times has he broken your heart?
How many ounces of blood has he drawn?
How many tears have you she o'er his words?
How many times have you taken him back?
How many bones must he break?
How many wounds that won't heal?
How many nights must you spend alone
til you finally tell him that he can't come home?

So I Lie - 2/14/07

I’d tell you what you want to hear
but it wouldn’t be the truth
“honestly,” you say
I’m honest and you cry
. so I lie
. about where I was last night
. and how I spend my time
. and the thoughts inside my mind
I tell you what you want to hear
though its never how I feel
my whole life is a lie for you
cause I can’t tell you the truth
cause you just won’t hear the truth

Grace

Grace

the lies
she hides behind
and cries
for saving grace
she seeks
the truth and finds
a meek
heart full of grace

Reliving Sunday - 1/30/07

every day I relive that day
again and again inside my head
I replay that fateful day
I lost myself and you
the two are one, you know
me and you, you and me –
never again – we.

Voice Mail - 1/30/07

The electronic voice
asks me for my password –
one-one-one-four.
“You have one unheard message.”
“That’s why I’m here, you idiot,”
I say, like the voice can hear.
My heart beats faster.
It’s your voice –
I love your voice.
Something’s wrong.
You sound so afraid,
like it all depends on that one phone call –
that one call I didn’t answer.
You ask if I’m OK.
Of course I’m not OK.
I say it aloud though you can’t hear –
didn’t want you to anyway.
I need you here with me.
I love you. Please don’t go.
“To save this message, press 9.”
So I do, and listen again –
and again – and again.
At every pause I say, “I love you” –
cause I know that you can’t hear me –
and it makes no difference anyway.
I love you.
I need you.
Please call again soon.

Replacing You - 1/30/07

I told her you were dead.
She said she already knew.
“How?” I asked.
“I just did,” she said.
She’s always been like that –
intuitive – I guess.
I don’t know what it means
when she looks at me
with those big black eyes,
her hair tied loosely back.
She looks at me like you did –
like you did –
the night you died.
In my mind –
I see her kiss me –
but she doesn’t.
She just said, “I know.”
And held my hand.
I’ll pretend she’s you –
tonight – but not forever.
Forever is only you.
She can’t replace forever.

Nothing. Just Pain. - 1/29/07

I hurt.
It’s as simple as that –
a pain no physician
could ever heal –
a broken heart –
a wounded soul –
a blood-stained, washed-up, maggot-ridden…
nothing.

I am you.
I am me.
I am her
and him
and it
and they
and them
and every pronoun you don’t know.
I’m that fool on the skateboard
with his long hair and braces,
pretending to be something he’s not –
someone he’s not –
something, anything more than nothing.
I’m that cigarette hanging from your mouth,
gripped between your orange fingers
and stained by your saliva.
I’m the dirt you step on
as you walk away from me,
your head held high
like you’ve got something to be proud of.
You don’t look back.
You never look back.
That’s my job, isn’t it?

So it’s that simple.
My role is cast –
nothing.

She asks what’s wrong.
She says she cares.
I can’t believe.
It doesn’t matter that I hurt.
You didn’t care –
why should she?
To you I was just nothing.
She asks what’s wrong.
I answer:
Nothing.

Stress Zit -1/28/07

there’s a zit on my forehead
cause I’m not good enough
I glare at it in the mirror
it just stares back
screaming, “You suck!”

there’s a zit on my forehead
cause there’s nothing I can do
another B-
and I’ll never be enough

there’s a zit on my forehead
just a tiny Mount Volcanic-Disaster
waiting to explode
with all the pressure building up inside
I’m surprised it’s so little

there’s a zit on my forehead
under layers of foundation
make-up can’t hide how it feels
to wake up each day and think
“Shit. I’m still alive.”

Is it OK to love you? - 1/28/07

Is it OK to love you?
They say it’s not, but I don’t know.
I just don’t understand
how a love this strong, this free,
could be the sin
they all claim it to be.

I haven't eaten yet today - 1/28/07

I haven’t eaten yet today
not because of the extra 10 pounds I gained over Christmas break
not because of the looks I get as I walk down the hall
not because of the looks I don’t get as I walk down the hall
not even because I spent 5 hours yesterday trying to find a pair of jeans that don’t make my ass look like a life preserver

I haven’t eaten yet today
even though there’s enough food in this house to sustain 10 people for a year
even though my stomach growls so loud I swear they can hear it in Chicago
even though I know that not eating won’t feed anyone else
even though it’s nearly 5 and I’ve been up since 6

I haven’t eaten yet today
cause all I want to do is die

Nothing. - 1/28/07

It’s the simple things that make me wonder most –
the way that piece of paper feels between my fingers,
the smell of burning rubber from my furious erasing,
the taste of words on my lips –
Hate, Love, Misunderstanding –
Everything brings back a Memory –
purely semantic, not episodic.
I remember Nothing as it was,
just as it was inside my Mind –
the World outside exists not.
Misunderstanding to Misunderstanding
we read between the lines and come up short.
Without thought, we say what we really mean
and wish it wasn’t how we felt,
causing hurt and feeling pain.
There are more important things to do
than sit here feeling Nothing… Nothing…
Nothing at all.

jump inside my mind - 1/28/07

jump inside my mind
discover all my lies
see my secrets hidden
it’s the truth of what’s inside
my mind is under lock and key
look inside the book
that is my mind and see
what all there is to see
about me

I scribble furiously - 1/28/07

I scribble furiously
most oft’ against my will
using words like “’tis” and “thee”
words no others use today
amid perfect rhymes
are less-than-3s
a reference most don’t get
at first, but then they do
and wonder how
“lol” fits in my verse
how subject fits the language
though they never are the same
how “less than 3” is equal to
expressions of true love
I write with pen – I type –
I say my words aloud –
I do whate’er will give release
no matter if logic
makes no sense

"I <3 You" - 1/28/07

I’ve been up all night
writing words I’ve never said
typing furiously on the keyboard
writing emails full of love
saying “I <3 you”
like it really means that much
putting hearts around the page
like that can replace your touch
my words become more meaningless
the more I try to say
how my life revolves around you
how you are my every day
somehow “I <3 you”
doesn’t show how much I care
but the truth I cannot tell you
my love for you, I cannot share

our lives live out like poetry - 1/27/07

our lives live out like poetry
beat, measure, rhyme
scattered lightly across the page
heavy marks of blood-stained youth
searching for perfection
living out our lies
looking for the answers
by writing everything down
our love lives in the poetry
words so harmless, meaningful
creating what we want to see
writing how we want to be

my closet - 1/26/07

I’m gonna paint my closet purple
that way I’ll feel at home
I’ll paint some people in the back
then I won’t be alone
I’ll fill it up with pictures
pretty people that I’ve seen
a model and an actress
perhaps that beauty queen
then I’ll hide my secrets there
the thoughts that can’t been seen
I’ll live my life behind the door
in my closet’s where I’ll be
it’s tiny, but it’s pretty
I love its purple walls
I wish I could open the door
and show myself to all
but that will never happen
I’ll never be that brave
but living in my closet’s not
the life I want to have

Hope Never Ends - 1/26/07

Hope Never Ends


I cry for them
though it does no good
there's enough love
but there's not enough food
we don't know their pain
we don't see their tears
we're too blind to know
their darkest fears
give to a stranger
help out a friend
tell all that you know
that hope never ends

I always write of secrets - 1/18/07

I always write of secrets
obscure and never clear
never know the purpose
words fall on deaf ears
I always speak in silence
protect my secret peace
but get no satisfaction
no comforting release

Crazy doesn't cover it - 1/18/07

Crazy doesn’t cover it
I don’t even understand
myself most of the time
my moods swing back and forth just like
a pendulum, they swing
and frustrate me without a rest
unless provoked by pain
controlling pain gives comfort
release form what’s forever

Perky Shade of Grey - 1/16/07

feeling hopeless
for no reason
should be happy
for some reason
not so clear today
such a perky shade of grey
is the sky today
what a perky shade of grey
without love
without a purpose
searching for
some hidden purpose
to live on today
such a perky shade of grey
is my heart today
what a perky shade of grey

Mirrored Hate - 1/16/07

tell me what you think of me
be blunt and speak no lies
I’m ugly and deceitful
my heart resembles stone
I’m insecure and lonely
I’m stupid and confused
you hate me and I hurt your eyes
you simply wish that I would die
be truthful, now, I know you think
my life, I should not live
why don’t you just say it?
I know it anyway
my mirror stares strait back at me
“you are just what you see”

I tried to be a good girl - 1/16/07

I tried to be a good girl
its you I tried to please
I tried to make you happy
now I fall down on my knees
you want me to be like you
I tried my best to be
I know I disappoint you
you don’t know this isn’t me
I tried to make you love me
but this is just too hard
I’m scared to make you hate me
this time I’ve gone too far
you still don’t know my secret
but I know you see my lies
I know you’ll always love me
it makes me want to die

From a Girl (Where Are You Now?) - 1/16/07

Where are you now?
I wonder how we’ve come
so far from the beginning
from just a child laughing
to just a woman crying

Where are you now?
I wander all around
just trying to find you there
from laughter comes my longing
from tears comes my desire

Where are you now?
swept me from my feet
disappear with sweet release
from my secret, to the world
to my lover, from a girl

There's nothing more than what I say - 1/14/07

There’s nothing more than what I say
I bear it all amid my words
I give so much with every word
But you never understand
Behind my eyes I’m crying
Behind my words I scream
You stare my secrets in the face
And deny them all so blindly
Someday you’ll know my secrets
Someday you’ll see my fears
Someday you’ll understand me
By then, I won’t be here