False Memory

It’s been ten years since that memory,
But only four since it came to bother me.

Was it all just a dream?
Did my mind create you?
Or did you really hurt me,
Like I remember, in the bathroom?

I don’t feel like myself.
I don’t feel like I should.
I don’t feel right.
I don’t feel good.

Whenever she touches me,
I can feel you there.
Whenever she touches me,
I don’t feel like she cares.

Has it all been a dream?
Were my scars a mistake?
Is there anyone out there
With whom love I can make?

Why do you haunt me
If that day wasn’t real?
Why do I have nightmares?
Why are my days filled with tears?

It’s been ten years since that memory
But only four since it came to bother me

Did I hallucinate
Your hand on my breast?
Did I dream up
The smell of your breath?

I feel hopeless.
No answers I’ve found.
Most days I wish
I could put myself in the ground.

Coming to Grips with My Sexuality - 11/18/08

The river bend of my childhood glowed in front of me,

and I sang as I strolled along the sewer run.

What wonders lie in front of me, I could only imagine.

Would my love be waiting at the end of my journey?

As I came to the fork, I looked both ways,

carefully searching for some sign from the Heavens.

In which direction did my heart truly lead?

It was difficult, back then, to decipher the truth.

To be honest, it’s still difficult, at times.

I listened to the voices in side of me,

arguing my future with you.

“To Hell if need be,” one said to the other.

“To Heaven,” the other, “It’s the only way.”

I stared downward, my confused tears joined the mucky water.

In one direction, I saw my future.

In the other, that which they wished for me.

I mumbled a prayer for my soul

and continued on my way.

Encounter - 11/16/08

Walk past me.
Please walk past me.
He stares at me in that awful way.
He winks.
I feel my stomach wretch.
I go to the office
and beg to go home.

He waltzed on in.
I was confused.
Wasn't this the girls' room?
His eyes shone black
with a speck of red.
The blood I'd discover
that night.

My legs burned.
The radiator behind me buzzed
but I couldn't move.
He wouldn't let me move.
His hand left a bruise on my wrist.
The other a strange feeling inside.
The girls entered.

He left smiling that guilty smile
but they looked at me like I had sinned.
I hid in the stall
until the halls came to life.
Then I ran
to the office
to call my mom.

Fake a stomach ache.
Force vomit if necessary.
Go home.
Crawl in bed.
Pretend it's safe.
You don't have to go back
if you're dead.

Workaholic - A Cinquain

Your kiss
I often miss.
Each day seems like the last
since you've been gone. Don't leave me here
alone.

Ethiopia - A Sestina (Kelsey had me pick 6 words... This is what came out of it.)

I think about the taste of your apples.
My tongue swells up, feels like a marshmallow.
I think someday, together, we'll elope.
There will be many white burning candles.
Then we'll set sail to Ethiopia.
There, I will write our love in my notebook.

Nothing is more precious than my notebook,
to me. To you, precious are your apples.
Our daughter comes from Ethiopia.
Her skin is dark, night. Ours, like marshmallows.
Your eyes reflect the flickering candles,
and I know it was right that we eloped.

My parents hated us, so we eloped.
I carry our hearts in my full notebook,
written by the light of a bride's candle.
I think about the love of our apple.
My tongue swells up, feels like a marshmallow.
I think about her, Ethiopia.

Our daughter comes from Ethiopia.
I pray when she's in love, she won't elope
with a man who's skin is like marshmallows.
I pray she'll keep, like I did, a notebook,
and write of her love and their apples.
They'll marry and join their life's candles.

The two are one, a beautiful candle.
Then she'll return to Ethiopia,
and in that land she'll find her eye's apple.
Unlike us, she won't be glad she eloped.
Her apple will shine and keep a notebook
and write of the love of two marshmallows.

Two lovers, we, our skin like marshmallows.
Two hearts are one, glowing in a candle.
A love, immortalized in a notebook
Our greatest love, she, Ethiopia
will tell of our love and why we eloped.
I'll taste again the taste of your apples.

Two marshmallows in love will elope.
Our candles joined, I'll talk of your apple
in my notebook. She, Ethiopia.

I Used to Be - 2004 (edited '08)

I used to be so happy
I used to be so sad
I used to have feelings
Both good and bad
I used to love
And I used to hate
I used to sing out loud
Even very late
I used to cry
And I used to weep
I used to feel
I could never sleep
I used to live
Though I wanted to die
I used to smile
When inside I would cry
I used to do things
I shouldn’t have done
Behind closed doors
I was the stupid one
I took the pills
And pulled the trigger
And then my life
Was over

Noose (extended version) - 7/12/08

tie the apron strings
behind my back, around my
neck, a woman's role

tie my hands with the
iron's cord, let it swing and
burn my smooth shaved legs

tie back golden locks,
hiding thoughts left still unshared
“ignorance is bliss”

Questions for My Father - 7/9/08

Do you love me still,
though you think I'll go to hell?
Do you think of me and cry?
Do you wish I would have died?
Do you wish I'd been a boy?
Would I then have brought you joy?
Do you think that I'm a curse?
Could I do any worse?
Will you change your mind someday?
Will you give your girl away?
Will you walk me down the isle,
see my bride and me, and smile?

Goodbye?

I want to say goodbye
cause I'm afraid of what I'll do
I don't want to say goodbye
because I know that I need you

I want you to belong to me
I want to hold you tight
I want to see you every day
hold onto you at night

I don't know if this is working
I don't know if we're meant to be
I know for sure I love you
and you say that you love me

I shouldn't have these questions
I shouldn't be so confused
I shouldn't feel so empty
I shouldn't feel so used

I want to say goodbye
I know that I have hurt you
I don't want to say goodbye
I want to spend my life with you

Surviving: Part 3

seven years of sadness
seven years of tears
seven years of bloodshed
seven years of fear

hold on to the happy times
the months, the weeks, the days
hold on to the hidden smiles
know that it will be OK

my mind is like a battlefield
the pen, it is my sword
I've fought this war with blood before
but now I fight with words

I try so hard my fingers bleed
my wrists are crimson, too
I hold onto the dying light
I see it inside you

my mirror is my enemy
so are my tear-streaked cheeks
I've called on new recruits
but it seems they are too weak

another battle in this war
I'm fighting it tonight
each battle I have won thus far
but nothing seems alright

another day of sadness
another day of tears
another day of bloodshed
the war will end right here

I'm saving my last goodbye for you
walking alone here
crying my silent tears
wishing you the pain that i own

i'm saving my last goodbye for you

leave me here
sinful, fearful
whisper to me
that sweet melody
childish games
replacing love only by name

escape the cage
feel the air
heavy but free
insert my earphones
force out the voices
with beauty

Silence

try to force the words
hold tightly onto every syllable
"Everything will be OK."

a bombardment of voices
from inside
from outside
surrounded by gunfire
voices
trying to kill me
take away what's left of me

let it take me over
turn the noise into a peace
so holy one could cry
or die

my silence is killing me

do you know how it feels to be on suicide watch?
never have a moment to yourself
always fighting that imaginary villain
yielding swords and words with a vengeance yet uncaptured
knowing a single mistake could mean the end of the battle
knowing all along you'll give up in time
every soldier meets his end,
be it by blade or disease,
misfortune or fate,
every soldier meets his end
eventually

Holding

I'm holding onto something
intangible, secure
I'm holding onto something
I know that isn't true
I know that you can't save me
but to you I always cry
I want you to hold onto me
because tonight, I want to die

Ghost

There's a ghost in my dorm room
I hear her cry at night
she whispers to me as I sleep
"you'll never be alright"
I feel her holding onto me
I hear her final breath
the innocence that you stole from her
the reason for her death
she cries to me to save her
to erase that awful night
I hold her safely as she cries
it will never be alright
don't tell her that you understand
she knows that it's not true
the only thing she asks of me
she knows no one can do
there's a ghost in my dorm room
she's a rebel in the night
she tells me that it's over
No, I'll never be alright.

secrets
killing me
pulling me
into this abyss

secrets
burning me
burying me
beneath their weight