I Used to Be - 2004 (edited '08)

I used to be so happy
I used to be so sad
I used to have feelings
Both good and bad
I used to love
And I used to hate
I used to sing out loud
Even very late
I used to cry
And I used to weep
I used to feel
I could never sleep
I used to live
Though I wanted to die
I used to smile
When inside I would cry
I used to do things
I shouldn’t have done
Behind closed doors
I was the stupid one
I took the pills
And pulled the trigger
And then my life
Was over

Suicide's Path - 9/17/07

7 years
of recurring scars
6 years
of missing southern stars
5 years
thinking about him
4 years
missing my favorite kin
3 years
of wondering if
2 years
fluctuating loneliness
1 year
of imaginary bliss
1 month
of planning only this
1 week
to make a dumb mistake
1 minute

and that's all it'd take

That Says - 6/8/07

there’s an old pink scar on my leg
that says
I’m not good enough

there’s a yellowing bruise on my leg
that says
I don’t hide my pain well

there’s a dark red line on my leg
that says
I’ll never change

replacing love - 6/2/07

blood drips
crimson from my thigh
release –
such fake release
feeling nothing
and *slice*
still nothing

what happened
to the days
when a fingernail
driven deep
into the flesh
could satiate the void
replace numb
with controlled pain

now
numb and pain
are synonyms
life’s agonies enthrall
introduction to
this cruel game
where blood
replaces
love

x stain x - 4/22/07

sitting in the sun

blinding paper – white

– empty –

– blank –

– confused –

clean but somehow stained

– ink or blood –

it’s all the same

x x x

briars rip the flesh

as the pen creates the rose

a scream from just below

– creation’s heart –

– creator’s whim –

– emotion’s silly games –

tears erase the pain

but they always leave a stain

Portrait from my Prison - 12/29/06 [original 2005]

I cry out from my prison
In a cell without the bars
Lost, Alone, Confused
Simply searching for a home
I see no more distractions
I draw along my wrist
You aren’t here to hold me
As I search for impossible bliss
Don’t look at me so softly
Don’t extend to me a kiss
Help me pour out my blood
Help me feel alive again

Swear I'm better now - 12/7/06

Swear I’m better now
No more tears to cry
Swear I’ll never leave
I’ll never say goodbye

Pain inside can no more bear
Tears of love unknown, unshed

Swear that I’m okay
I cannot feel the pain
Swear it’s not a lie
I’ll never lie again

Fingers crossed, believe my lie
Ignore the tears behind my eyes

Swear that I am fine
No more blood to shed
Swear that I’m alive
Inside, I know I’m dead

Help me to survive my lie
Please, don’t leave me here to die

Listen to My Tears - 2006

Listen to my tears tonight
My blood no longer drips
A crimson spot upon my life
The scars upon my hips

Play for me a symphony
A song for all to hear
Listen to my tears tonight
They scream through all the years

All the years I’ve wandered
My life a broken mess
All the pieces of my heart
All my emptiness

Turn me into someone else
Ignore my lonesome cries
Listen to my tears tonight
Listen with your eyes

Her heart is black - 2005

Her heart is black
Her soul is dying
Death’s her victory
Never has she loved before
Born in Heaven
Her heart’s forgotten
The love of her Savior’s blood

She thinks her blood will save her
She cries out from her death
With Satan’s arms around her
She takes her final breath
God loved her ‘til the last
If only she could see
In Christ, there’s victory

Beautiful Scars - 2005 (short version)

I know the feeling all too well
Running through a living hell
Much worse are the scars I show
Words burn inside with a strangling glow
The lies outlast the hidden smile
My blood pours out and all the while
They shun me and my beautiful scars

She sits in obscurity - 2004

She sits in obscurity
“No one knows the real me
No one knows the pain inside
No one sees the tears that I cry”
No one hears her
And no one knows
Of the pain she feels inside
She keeps it in
All bottled up
Until the pain draws out the knife
She slices her arm to let out a cry
A cry that no one hears
As the blood slowly drips from her face
It mixes with her tears
In a puddle of water and blood below
Her hand trembles as she places the knife
Slowly upon her skin
Slowly and surely she pulls it back down
As the blood drips to the ground
The pain on this outside
Cannot match the pain within

The Red Ribbon - 2004

I wear a ribbon ‘round my wrist
To show my pain within
A simple cry out loud it screams
I wear it like a noose
It strangles me with every turn
My pen takes as it goes
It drips with blood deep red with pain
And brings back hidden sins
For it reminds me of the strength
I have not shown at all
It turns the tears a crimson red
As blood falls from the sky
It cries to those who do not hear
A whisper in the dark
A single life runs out of time
Because they could not see
The ribbon that I wear

Battle Scars - 2004

She hides her battle scars in silence
All have seen, but none have known
The pain they show within
Though outside all have vanished
Inside, still, they linger
Tearing at her ever time
She takes a breath or two
Not a moment of silent peace
Has been since the war began
Cause unknown and source the same
Still the pain shall linger on
Every day grows harder and harder
And then it all returns
Another battle to be fought
The hardest of the war
A battle between mind and body
This battle can’t be won
At last a moment’s peace is given
Her last breath then she takes
She is a victim of the war
She could not live to fight

The Road to Seeing God - July 2004 (written at Mount Lou San Bible Camp)

My heart is racing as I step
Up closer to the door
The future is forgotten as
My past looms overhead
Forgiveness reaches out to me
And grabs my feeble hand
He pulls me close and hugs me tight
With a gentle caress
Inside the door is Happiness
He’s past the fields of blue
A ray of sunshine fills my eye
My past is left behind
Yet I cling to my guilty sin
I committed long ago
The deep, deep wounds of past forgot
Burst with my crimson blood
I’m filled with pain so great it burns
My heart with every breath
Hope of happiness drifts away
And Danger whispers, “Dear,
My little child come to me and sit here on my knee
We’ll have much fun when Anger comes
And then with misery we’ll…”
“Stop!” I cried and grabbed the door
But locked it seemed to be
No turning back for now the past is gone
The future’s all I see
“I must go on,” I say at last
And pick myself up tall
I push past Danger and the rest,
Toward happiness galore
The fields of blue are wonderful,
But blood drips from the trees
This last reminder of the past
Is all that I can see
My scars attempt to hide the pain
But fail so miserably
My blood pours out as I fall down
And land upon my knees
A cross is lifted off of me
A man stands where I look
My blood pours down his spotless face
My sins are washed away
He takes my cross up on the hill
I nail him to that tree
It’s there my Jesus died for me
With love, peace, purity
I see the lonely cross that held
My sins, my savior’s blood
I’ll hang upon that cross someday
I’ll suffer for Christ’s sake
Treasures shall be stored in Heaven
And I’ll see God that day