Nothing. - 1/28/07

It’s the simple things that make me wonder most –
the way that piece of paper feels between my fingers,
the smell of burning rubber from my furious erasing,
the taste of words on my lips –
Hate, Love, Misunderstanding –
Everything brings back a Memory –
purely semantic, not episodic.
I remember Nothing as it was,
just as it was inside my Mind –
the World outside exists not.
Misunderstanding to Misunderstanding
we read between the lines and come up short.
Without thought, we say what we really mean
and wish it wasn’t how we felt,
causing hurt and feeling pain.
There are more important things to do
than sit here feeling Nothing… Nothing…
Nothing at all.

jump inside my mind - 1/28/07

jump inside my mind
discover all my lies
see my secrets hidden
it’s the truth of what’s inside
my mind is under lock and key
look inside the book
that is my mind and see
what all there is to see
about me

I scribble furiously - 1/28/07

I scribble furiously
most oft’ against my will
using words like “’tis” and “thee”
words no others use today
amid perfect rhymes
are less-than-3s
a reference most don’t get
at first, but then they do
and wonder how
“lol” fits in my verse
how subject fits the language
though they never are the same
how “less than 3” is equal to
expressions of true love
I write with pen – I type –
I say my words aloud –
I do whate’er will give release
no matter if logic
makes no sense

"I <3 You" - 1/28/07

I’ve been up all night
writing words I’ve never said
typing furiously on the keyboard
writing emails full of love
saying “I <3 you”
like it really means that much
putting hearts around the page
like that can replace your touch
my words become more meaningless
the more I try to say
how my life revolves around you
how you are my every day
somehow “I <3 you”
doesn’t show how much I care
but the truth I cannot tell you
my love for you, I cannot share

our lives live out like poetry - 1/27/07

our lives live out like poetry
beat, measure, rhyme
scattered lightly across the page
heavy marks of blood-stained youth
searching for perfection
living out our lies
looking for the answers
by writing everything down
our love lives in the poetry
words so harmless, meaningful
creating what we want to see
writing how we want to be

my closet - 1/26/07

I’m gonna paint my closet purple
that way I’ll feel at home
I’ll paint some people in the back
then I won’t be alone
I’ll fill it up with pictures
pretty people that I’ve seen
a model and an actress
perhaps that beauty queen
then I’ll hide my secrets there
the thoughts that can’t been seen
I’ll live my life behind the door
in my closet’s where I’ll be
it’s tiny, but it’s pretty
I love its purple walls
I wish I could open the door
and show myself to all
but that will never happen
I’ll never be that brave
but living in my closet’s not
the life I want to have

Hope Never Ends - 1/26/07

Hope Never Ends


I cry for them
though it does no good
there's enough love
but there's not enough food
we don't know their pain
we don't see their tears
we're too blind to know
their darkest fears
give to a stranger
help out a friend
tell all that you know
that hope never ends

I always write of secrets - 1/18/07

I always write of secrets
obscure and never clear
never know the purpose
words fall on deaf ears
I always speak in silence
protect my secret peace
but get no satisfaction
no comforting release

Crazy doesn't cover it - 1/18/07

Crazy doesn’t cover it
I don’t even understand
myself most of the time
my moods swing back and forth just like
a pendulum, they swing
and frustrate me without a rest
unless provoked by pain
controlling pain gives comfort
release form what’s forever

Perky Shade of Grey - 1/16/07

feeling hopeless
for no reason
should be happy
for some reason
not so clear today
such a perky shade of grey
is the sky today
what a perky shade of grey
without love
without a purpose
searching for
some hidden purpose
to live on today
such a perky shade of grey
is my heart today
what a perky shade of grey

Mirrored Hate - 1/16/07

tell me what you think of me
be blunt and speak no lies
I’m ugly and deceitful
my heart resembles stone
I’m insecure and lonely
I’m stupid and confused
you hate me and I hurt your eyes
you simply wish that I would die
be truthful, now, I know you think
my life, I should not live
why don’t you just say it?
I know it anyway
my mirror stares strait back at me
“you are just what you see”

I tried to be a good girl - 1/16/07

I tried to be a good girl
its you I tried to please
I tried to make you happy
now I fall down on my knees
you want me to be like you
I tried my best to be
I know I disappoint you
you don’t know this isn’t me
I tried to make you love me
but this is just too hard
I’m scared to make you hate me
this time I’ve gone too far
you still don’t know my secret
but I know you see my lies
I know you’ll always love me
it makes me want to die

From a Girl (Where Are You Now?) - 1/16/07

Where are you now?
I wonder how we’ve come
so far from the beginning
from just a child laughing
to just a woman crying

Where are you now?
I wander all around
just trying to find you there
from laughter comes my longing
from tears comes my desire

Where are you now?
swept me from my feet
disappear with sweet release
from my secret, to the world
to my lover, from a girl

There's nothing more than what I say - 1/14/07

There’s nothing more than what I say
I bear it all amid my words
I give so much with every word
But you never understand
Behind my eyes I’m crying
Behind my words I scream
You stare my secrets in the face
And deny them all so blindly
Someday you’ll know my secrets
Someday you’ll see my fears
Someday you’ll understand me
By then, I won’t be here

Portrait from my Prison - 12/29/06 [original 2005]

I cry out from my prison
In a cell without the bars
Lost, Alone, Confused
Simply searching for a home
I see no more distractions
I draw along my wrist
You aren’t here to hold me
As I search for impossible bliss
Don’t look at me so softly
Don’t extend to me a kiss
Help me pour out my blood
Help me feel alive again

I've never felt - 12/19/06

I’ve never felt
your tender kiss
upon my lips.
I’ve never seen
your lovely face
in morning’s perfect light.
I’ve never been
to where our love
will last forever more.
I’ve never known
the sweetness of
your loving embrace.
But I know
there’s nothing more
I want than to love you.

Swear I'm better now - 12/7/06

Swear I’m better now
No more tears to cry
Swear I’ll never leave
I’ll never say goodbye

Pain inside can no more bear
Tears of love unknown, unshed

Swear that I’m okay
I cannot feel the pain
Swear it’s not a lie
I’ll never lie again

Fingers crossed, believe my lie
Ignore the tears behind my eyes

Swear that I am fine
No more blood to shed
Swear that I’m alive
Inside, I know I’m dead

Help me to survive my lie
Please, don’t leave me here to die