I wonder if you love me - 2006

I wonder if you love me.
I'm too afraid to ask.
I wonder if you're mine to keep.
Is there any use,
any point to all my wondering,
aimless wandering of my mind?
I wonder if you love me.
How am I supposed to tell?
I wonder if I'll ever know.
Your secret's safe with me.
You keep it in.
You keep it hid.
I wear my heart out on my sleeve,
while yours is nowhere to be seen.
I wonder if you love me.
How can I ask this thing?
I look inside my own blind heart.
I wonder if I love you.
I don’t know who to ask.

I wish that I were beautiful - 9/26/06

I wish that I were beautiful
Not for myself, for you
Then you could be proud of me
Show me off to all you know
You’d be proud to call me “hun”
Hold my hand in a public place

I wish that I were beautiful
Then you could show your love
Without the fear of what they think
Of you because of me

I wish that I were beautiful
For maybe then I’d feel
Deserving of the love you give
So unconditionally

Evolution of Our Love - 9/26/06 (to him)

I want to need you
I need to love you
I’d love to kill you
I’d kill to be near you
The evolution of our love
Our love that never was
It never was because
I never really loved you

normal - 9/25/06

“normal’s all I want to be”
that was the old me
today I’m all I want to be
perfection is not necessary
look at me and wonder
in the future who I’ll be
the answer is quite simple
“forever I’ll be me”

What "History" Did - 9/25/06

“history” is not our friend
“the universe” forbids it
out friendship ne’er again to be
because of some great secrecy
what the hell’s your problem?
why can’t we just be friends?
why do you always bring back up
those things we “almost” did?
you never really meant it
I just strived for normalcy
but now those things in secret said
have us sitting on your bed
your hand runs lightly through my hair
“what are you doing?” I ask myself
you look at me with those deep brown eyes
“I told you this would happen”
I look at you, sheer terror
crosses o’er my face
the universe is not my friend
and history lives on

Her smile holds a secret - 9/24/06

Her smile holds a secret
My smile holds the same
A shameful secret, maybe,
But a secret still the same
A whisper in the night is heard
A kiss upon my cheek
A secret life of lies and lust
A life not for the meek
Within the midnight air is heard
A silent little sigh
A pressure building in my heart
I dare not ask her why
We live in secret, for I know,
Though truth may set some free,
For us the truth would surely mean
A life of misery
Her hand brushes back my hair
To reveal my tear-streaked face
Her kiss reveals our secret
And I wonder if it's fate

Don't tell me you love me - 9/24/06

Don't tell me you love me

It hurts me too much

Don't say that you need me

You want me and such

Don't say that your love

You no longer can hide

Don't say that forever

With me you'll abide

I know of your type

I know of your games

Don't whisper so softly

Please don't say my name

You know that I'm yours

Nothing can I do

Don't say that you love me

You know I love you

Don't say that you love me

For I know what comes next

Don't kiss me so gently

You know you're the best

Don't tell me you love me

For we never can be

Forever I'll love you

In past's great harmony

Far Gone

She’s so far gone.
But is she too far gone
For the Lord to hear her cries and heal her pain?
She’s so far gone
We fear she’s too far gone
So we let her wander out into the rain

She’s wandered far from home
She’s wandered far from God
And now she’s running past our open arms again

Lord she’s so far gone
Is she too far gone?
Will she ever wander back home again?
Lord she’s so far gone
She’s never too far gone
For Your love to reach her let her know Your love

Lord let her know we love her
Let her know we need her
Let her know she can always wander home
She’s so far gone

Who are you to want me? - 9/23/06

Who are you to want me?
Who are you to care?
Why are you so far away?
It feels like you’re right here
With me in this room tonight
I long to feel your touch
I cannot let you love me
It may just hurt too much
I need you to be near me
I wish that you could see
I’m terrified of losing you
I’m scared we’ll never be

Make-Believe - September 2006

My heart wants to scream
Cry out to everyone
Without release
Death soon may come
I shake with all that’s hid
Beneath my calm exterior
Listen to my silence
Soft and low, I cry
Hiding in the darkness
My secret world of make-believe
Forgive me for my lies
I cannot live the truth
My heart cries out
My mind set free
My mouth, though, cannot move
I utter not a word
I hide again inside
My world of make-believe
My safety net – false peace

I cry alone for fear - 2006

I cry alone for fear
My tears will hurt you
I watch you from afar for fear
You might understand my longings

Please don’t leave
I need you here
But you seem so far away

My tears flow
My fear grows
I’m left here all alone

You know just why I cry
You see inside my heart
I do not feel you anymore
I simply cannot see

Please, don’t leave
I need you here
But my heart’s so far away

To V - 2006

My sister, my friend
Forever will I love you
A love without condition

Pain, sorrow
I feel these things for you
I hurt to see you hurt

Truth, lies
Don’t be deceived by anyone
But always trust in friends

My sister, my friend
Held by bonds unseen
I promise to never leave

Listen to My Tears - 2006

Listen to my tears tonight
My blood no longer drips
A crimson spot upon my life
The scars upon my hips

Play for me a symphony
A song for all to hear
Listen to my tears tonight
They scream through all the years

All the years I’ve wandered
My life a broken mess
All the pieces of my heart
All my emptiness

Turn me into someone else
Ignore my lonesome cries
Listen to my tears tonight
Listen with your eyes

Abandon me - January 2006

Abandon me
In my time of need
Murder me
Tonight
Watch me die
I close my eyes
Eternally
I sleep

Skeletons - January 2006

Skeletons
No longer call
My name out loud
My tears
Fall swiftly
To the bedroom floor
I pray nobody hears

The Only One - January 2006

If I were the only one
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
My problems would be new

If I were the only one
To live in so much pain
If I were the only one
All would know my name

If I were the only one
Who ever cried at night
I would be a dying star
I’d radiate no light

If I were the only one
Haunted by the past
I could always live alone
Yet my life would never last

If I were the only one
With all these tears to cry
If I were the only one
There’d be no reason why

If I were the only one
Would I live in peace?
If I were the only one
How would I find release?

I am not the only one
Who cries herself to sleep
I am not the only one
Always counting sheep

I am not the only one
With this pain inside
I am not the only one
I do not need to hide


*extra verse
If I were the only one
To feel the way I do
If I were the only one
I would not have you

Who Are You? - 2005 (?)

Who are you to tell me how to feel?
Who are you to make me hide what’s real?
Who are you to ignore all that I’ve said?
Who are you?

You think you’re something special
You think you’re really great
You think you’re so spectacular
I think I’m gonna puke

Who are you to say you are the greatest?
Who are you to run away from truth?
Who are you to leave here to wander?
Who are you?

You think that you’re God’s gift to us
You think you’ve got us fooled
You think we’ll never notice
I think that you’re the fool

Who are you to never even notice
the pain we’ve all been dealt?
Who are you to think you know the way
when you’re the one who’s lost?
Who are you to veer us from our path
when your way leads to death?
Who are you?