I haven't eaten yet today - (2/20/08)

I haven’t eaten yet today

Tomorrow, will it be the same?

What can cure this hunger?

No food, no drink

Nor did his kiss

Pained emptiness the same

Bile trickles from my throat

My stomach aches the more

Ignore emptiness for hunger

None could ever fill the void

What if? - 1/3/08

What if?
I wonder nervously
What life will I have then?
What if?
You sit there quietly
Trying to pretend
That it’s not a simple question
With a simple yes or no
That there’s nothing more to mention
Before you let me go
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
Fifty years is what I dreamed of
Fifty years of holding hands
One night is what you got from me
One night so soon to end
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
A simple little question
So many more after that
How did this get so messed up?
Hun, you’re gonna be a dad
What now?
I wonder nervously
How many tears to cry?
What now?
You walk away from me
Alone now I will cry

Sleeping - 9/19/07

Sleeping
used to be my sanctuary
but ever since our last-first kiss
I dread sleep
like waking
and dreams
like taking
that final step
quick like a band-aid
though we both know
it hurts the same

what future did we miss?
what did we expect to find
inside our first and final kiss?
I fear dreaming
cause my mind sees only you
I fear being
cause I fear that call from you
the inevitable
that hasn’t happened yet

Sleeping
was once my sanctuary
now its simply
a necessity
Holy Spirit
rescue me
bring back
my virginity

Suicide's Path - 9/17/07

7 years
of recurring scars
6 years
of missing southern stars
5 years
thinking about him
4 years
missing my favorite kin
3 years
of wondering if
2 years
fluctuating loneliness
1 year
of imaginary bliss
1 month
of planning only this
1 week
to make a dumb mistake
1 minute

and that's all it'd take

inspiration: part 2...or, the lack there of - 8/19/07

a lack of inspiration
has stripped me of my soul
giving in to no desires
fighting to speak no more words

don't tell me that it's ok
don't say you love me anyway
I know you hurt as much as me
for you, too, live in poetry

your words once flew
on wings of eternal sunshine
your mind was once
the place that you called home
now we run from ourselves
in search of a stranger destination
than we've ever been before
in search of some magic conversation
that would give rise to the inspiration
to set our souls free from this prison
and live poetry once more

routine - 8/19/07

11 pm
lie in bed
listen to music
read
midnight
close book
turn off music
turn off light
stare at ceiling
close eyes
1 am
turn on music
2 am
turn off music
write
3 am
get up
check email
realize it's 3 am, no one else is awake
go back to bed
4 am
watch a shadow pass across the room
wonder if 3 days without sleep causes hallucinations
close eyes
count sheep
5 am
fall out of bed
stay there
cry
sleep

I should have forgotten by now - 8/5/07 (this needs a title)

I should have forgotten by now
I should have left you in the past
where you broke my already too-fragile heart

I should have forgotten by now
But once I kissed the ground you walked on
because I could never kiss your lips
how could I forget?
You see, my heart still pounds at the mention of your name
and my eyes tear up when I hear your memory call my name

I should have forgotten by now
instead, I whisper softly to you
as I lie in bed and dream of how you
would have held me
had you not gone so soon

I should have forgotten by now
I should have hidden your memory in the back of my closet
but instead of you, I’ve hidden myself
and I wait there in silence for you to come back to me
I will wait for eternity

I should have forgotten by now
but instead of forgetting you
it seems I’ve forgotten me

An Error - 6/27/07

You don’t know
how much I needed you
I needed you
more than you could ever
need me
And I never implied
otherwise

God gave me the need to be needed
but that’s not how I needed you
In all of your insanity
you were my sanity
Underneath your awkward beauty
lay the companion to my soul
In youth I vowed devotion
You were the light and I, the dark

But as is life
we were soon ripped apart
You didn’t know
how much I needed you
You don’t know
that I still miss you

And in that
lay the end of an era
and the beginning of
an error

guilt consumes me while I weep - (i don't know when)

guilt consumes me while I weep
tears, bitter and lonely
memories drown me while I sleep
a restless haunting wakes me
I wake with sweat upon my skin
my eyes are dry, yet the mirror cries
reflecting tears within
with sad surrender, my childhood dies
I'm left alone to wonder,
"will his love ever be enough?
can he ever stop the hunger
that burns under my skin so tough?”

Emily Dickinson - (sometime in early 2007)

Is it too lofty a goal
to strive to be Emily Dickinson –
to be misunderstood,
misquoted for years to come –
to be studied by college students,
hated by high school students –
to be loved, adored by millions,
but truly known by none –
to put meaning into every letter,
every word and ever phrase
to be spread across the country
after life’s parting breath –
to watch the children play
from a second-story window
on Main Street, Amherst, Mass. –
to never marry, once to love
twice or perhaps thrice –
to twist letters into words
instead of threads into clothes –
to write of things I’ve never seen –
to see things no one else can –
to know what no one else dares?
strong, intelligent, witty,
quiet, homely, beautiful
Emily Dickinson

Change One Thing - (some time long ago)

I asked my friend at lunch one day
a question that brought great dismay
"I know this question may sound strange,
but what one thing would you change?"
"I'd change the way I see,"
said the girl sitting next to me.
"My glasses make me look so strange.
That's the thing that I would change."
"I'd change the way I think,"
said a boy without a blink.
"My brain is slow, so they tease me.
To be smart would make me happy."
"I'd change the way I talk,"
I said, as I leaned against the wall.
"My voice sounds strange, I often squeak,
I'm always getting called a geek."
"If I could change one thing,"
said a girl we'd never seen,
"I'd have to pick from three.
I think I'd change the way we see
ourselves and those around.
we never see the pain we cause
when we put other down.
or perhaps I'd change the way we thing,
make us know how much they blink
to hold back tears that aren't their fault.
But I think I'd change the way we talk
to others and ourselves.
I wish we'd put those hurtful words
back upon the shelf."
And then she turned and walked away.
She'd said all that she had to say.
We took it hard, those things she said.
Their truth was just above our heads.

Confession - 6/17/07 (this isn't done yet.)

sometimes I think of you
as more than a friend
sometimes I wish
that the night would never end
sometimes I wake up
dreaming of you
someday I’ll go to sleep
holding on to you

Why I Write - 6/10/07

not enough passion
not enough skill
not enough hunger
to give you that thrill
the thrill of the poem
that reaches your soul
the empty conclusion
that makes you feel whole
I don’t have the talent
I can’t make you feel
my poems have purpose
or that they are real
I don’t have the answers
don’t ask questions right
rhymes aren’t always perfect
but still, I sure try
I write for myself
and I write for you
I write cause I have to
and I love to write, too

your words - 6/9/07

your words
breathe life onto the page
you speak
more beauty with your pen
than God
spoke in all of creation
give thanks
for the Lord is good
and gave
you the words to speak
and gave
you a pen to speak them with
your thoughts
are a masterpiece waiting to
be written
let it be written

That Says - 6/8/07

there’s an old pink scar on my leg
that says
I’m not good enough

there’s a yellowing bruise on my leg
that says
I don’t hide my pain well

there’s a dark red line on my leg
that says
I’ll never change

a short poem undeserving of a title - 6/7/07

if I look in the mirror at night
and pray with all of my might,
would I wake up next morning and find
that I’d received my wish and died?

look into my mind's eye - 6/6/07

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me, was it real?
swept up in the moment
inhibitions fade
promise something secret
give in to the desire

promise once a future
promise twice a lie
promise last a secret
but then you say goodbye

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me what you see
am I still the person
that you thought me to be?
am I still your little secret?
am I still the one?
am I still your lover
or is that love long gone?

make believe we’re perfect
make believe it’s destiny
make believe it’s anything
make believe it wasn’t me

look into my mind’s eye
and tell me, was it real?
kiss me in the corner
promise me forever
give you all I’m made of
leave me stranded here, alone