first crush - 6/6/07

his eyes, I don’t remember
nor if he ever held my hand
did we pledge allegiance?
did we vow each of our lives?
did we promise to get married?
did he kiss me goodbye?
I don’t remember much today
about my earliest crush
I remember that I loved him
or so my journal says
for three years we were
best of friends
then suddenly, it all changed

degrees of desire - 6/5/07

I knew you weren’t ready
but I didn’t really care
you knew I wasn’t ready
but you didn’t really care
different degrees of desire
I, longing for your love
you, longing for my…
that’s not important anymore
you knew I wasn’t ready
I made myself quite clear
I knew you weren’t ready
but pretended that you were
“I love you” I would say
and in return, the same,
half-hearted, mumbled low
I’ve decided that I’m ready
different degrees of desire
leave me wondering
cause I made you wait too long
but I’d still wait for eternity

A Sculpture of Lost Love - 6/4/07

they say a picture’s worth a thousand words,
but is a sculpture worth the same?
how much more would I be worth
if I stood out in the rain
and waited for my broken heart
to turn to solid rust?
would I be worth a thousand words
before I turned to dust?
would you look at me and say
that I’m finally your muse?
would you say I was the only one
that our love was really true?
when I’m gone and nothing’s left
but the final memory
and the picture of my broken heart,
will you look at me
and wish that you could finally say
just what you really meant
when you failed to open up your heart
and gave me up for Lent?

A War Mother's Sorrow - 6/4/07

What war is it
that you must fight
that’ll take you far from home?
Is it worth a human life?
Will you have to give your own?
“It’s a civil war,” you say at last,
“a war for human rights.”
I hear a bomb in the night blast.
Must you really leave tonight?
“I must, dear mother.” You kiss my cheek
and then you walk away.
I won’t see you for fifty-two weeks,
a year minus a day.
When again I see your face
it’s in a casket laid.
Oh, how I long for your embrace,
but all I get is financial aide.

I want to write you a poem - 6/3/07

I want to write you a poem
tell you how much that I hurt
make a list of all my sorrows
say our love was just a curse

I want to write you a poem
full of all the love I know
give you everything I hold inside
but the pain I would not show

I want to write you a poem
let you know just what you’ve done
leave you empty, knowing nothing
but the void I have become

I want to write you a poem
with all the love I could express
tell you all the secrets of my heart
all but my loneliness

I want to write you a poem
a thousand, if need be
but I just can’t decide
what’s in store for you and me

replacing love - 6/2/07

blood drips
crimson from my thigh
release –
such fake release
feeling nothing
and *slice*
still nothing

what happened
to the days
when a fingernail
driven deep
into the flesh
could satiate the void
replace numb
with controlled pain

now
numb and pain
are synonyms
life’s agonies enthrall
introduction to
this cruel game
where blood
replaces
love

no title would be enough - 6/1/07 (an experiment in... something)

you made me
want to write
without you
I don't want to
breathe

don't tell me
that you love me
you've proven
differently
you've made me
want to die
tonight, though
I'll just
cry

I would cry tears
on your shoulder
I'd let you
comfort me
you break it
you mend it

but it doesn't
work like that
you can't say
you're sorry
and expect
forgiveness

even from me

talking about forever - 5/14/07

in my mind, you kiss my cheek
and the innocence of it
makes me cry

we’re talking about forever
and in my mind, I’m watching us
in your dorm room
the lights turned low

I want to sing to you
all the praises that I know
give you all the love
from every poem ever written

I want to hold you in the darkness
cry with you
breathe out this depression with you
never know sadness again

I’m thinking about forever
yes or no
fearing either reality

there is no doubt
how I feel right now
but I don’t want to hurt you again

we’re talking about forever
as I contemplate eternity
among other things

it must be fate
and I must agree
I could talk about forever
for eternity

depression - 5/7/07

I’ll call you when
I can speak again
I'll visit when
I can breathe again
I’ll write more when
I can feel again
I’ll sing some when
I have faith again
I’ll kiss you when
I feel good again
you’ll love me when
I’m me again

Prayer for Love - 5/6/07

Lord, take me to September
let me see her face
let me whisper in her ear
let me know of her embrace
Lord, give me wings to fly to her
so I, her kiss can taste
give me strength for miles to walk
let me walk it with great haste
Lord, do not let me lose her now
let me know the words to say
let me tell her that I love her
I will love her for always

Breathe - 5/2/07

you’re the only reason
I breathe anymore
but I can’t
even feel your breath
and I wouldn’t know
if you took your final breath
tomorrow
we’re worlds apart
I must wonder if you’re even real
I breathe just for you
I want to be with you
to live with you
to breathe with you
and when you take your final breath
I want to breathe right next to you
so let’s breathe out life
together
for love’s sake
just breathe

memory - 4/30/07

memory
daggers to my heart
that say I’m
just too sensitive
but I know
what I saw and I saw
you and her
she and you went walking
holding hands
the sun beat down – I cried –
inside died
but you didn’t know
didn’t know
didn’t see me cry
didn't know
you would be my last
memory

Forever Kiss - 4/30/07

Thought I’d cry
I thought I’d die
When I saw your baby boy
Kiss him once forever
Say, “It’s all right, babe”
Say, “I loved your daddy so
You would have loved him, too”
He has your eyes
Your bright blue eyes
Your hair, and your smile, too

Sleep, my baby, sleep
Sweet dreams of who you’ll never know
Your daddy kissed me once goodbye
And twice for memory’s sake
Sleep, my baby, sleep
We’ll see your daddy soon
Sweet Heaven cast your light on us
Send my love this forever kiss

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. - 4/30/07

Give your life to it
Know that it controls you
Let it tear you bit by bit
Leave you, a dying carcass

Decide you want to stop
Therapy -- it works
Denial's just a game
For a while, know you're safe

Slip back into nothingness
Then give yourself a hand
Admit you cycle all the time
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Waiting - 4/30/07

Waste my life
Waiting for your love
Your love will never come

Sneak out late
Meet him on the sidewalk
Cause I’ll never feel your love

Bleed my heart
Cause I can’t tell it’s there
Can’t feel without your love

Give it up
To him, I mean
I'm done waiting for your love

x stain x - 4/22/07

sitting in the sun

blinding paper – white

– empty –

– blank –

– confused –

clean but somehow stained

– ink or blood –

it’s all the same

x x x

briars rip the flesh

as the pen creates the rose

a scream from just below

– creation’s heart –

– creator’s whim –

– emotion’s silly games –

tears erase the pain

but they always leave a stain

I can't lie when I write - 4/22/07 (this is actually 4 poems. I wrote them all at once, though, and i'm thinking they're a series)

I can’t lie when I write


I had wings once
I could fly
I had dreams once
but that’s a lie
I never dreamt
I never schemed
I never planned
these crazy things
I never wished
on any stars
‘til I met you
you stole my heart
now I dream
a thousand dreams
and I fly
with my new wings


I wish I couldn’t lie to you
but I know I can because I do
when you ask me how I am
I say “I’m fine”
I lie
I’m never fine
without you by my side
but I can’t just say
that I’m near the edge
that I’m reaching for the knife
that my soul is painted black
so instead I say
“I’m fine”
but you don’t know I lied
how can’t you know I lied?
like I’m anything without you


love is a four-letter word
and it rips my flesh like
razors searching for my blood
love is four-letter word
and so is fuck
but I don’t know
what that is yet
but love I now know
it pulls inside
and causes me
to bleed my heart content
it makes me want to run away –
to run away with you
and kiss you underneath the stars
and let you kiss my bleeding heart
and make me whole again


do you know what it’s like
to pray yourself to sleep?
I pray that it’s OK
is it OK?
are we OK?
but my God
he doesn’t answer
like he used to
I once knew
how to live perfectly
but now…
all I want is you