A Professor's Sympathy - 3/24/08

the professor's sympathies
are all the hope you have
his musings on life and love
send your mind racing for some truth
accept his wonderings
or aimlessly seek your own
failure seems a way of life
the way of your college life
but the professor's sympathy
remind you of something more
a childhood courage
the strength to move on
and his words
breathe new life into your veins

This Emptiness - 3/24/08

fill the empty with some unknown
be it God or the love of a man
hope for something more than this
this emptiness

The Scent of Autumn - 3/24/08

I know there's the scent of autumn in the air
but my nostrils are filled with smoke
your cigarette stares back at me
and I watch
as one after another they disappear
smoke and ash
and the discarded butt
then it happens
and I'm left
smoke and ash is all that remains
I'm empty
my soul left in your too-full ash tray
is there one last puff left?

now I engage in your bad habits
smoke and ash are all I have of you
I hold onto the butt with my last breath
and swear that someday I'll let you go

Anxiety - 3/24/08

I watch the anthill,
bustling with life. I feel
empty and alone.

The Anthill - 3/24/08

the ants file quickly from their hole
they march to their deaths in the outside world
you kicked aside the anthill in your childhood games
I defended them
tried to save them from a death beneath your heel
round them up inside a bottle
return them to their home

don't look at me - 3/21/08

don't look at me with your hungry eyes
don't stare so blatantly
don't take from me all I have
and ignore my haunting needs

Is it OK? - 3/21/08

Is it OK to love you?
Is it OK to hurt?
Is it OK to walk away
like magot-ridden dirt?
Is it OK that all I want
is for you to let me know?
Is it OK that all I need
is to frolic in the snow?
Is it OK? There's nothing left,
no point to this strange game.
There's nothing more that I can do
than cry here in the rain.

the letter I never sent - 3/21/08 (unfinished?)

the letter I never sent
speaks of poems signed in blood
tales of broken-hearted love
and a war with unknown odds

the letter I never sent
sits waiting in my heart
for the one last line to end it all
for that first and final kiss

the letter I never sent
wants nothing more than just one kiss
but instead of lipstick
it's blood that stains it red

the letter I never sent
holds the keys to my aching heart
it's the final piece I hold of you
it's my final sacrifice

First Cigarette - 3/20/08

wisps of smoke rise up
freshly lit, glowing orange in the dark
inhale
feel it burn deep inside
exhale
a cloud from your virgin lips
flick the ashes
see sparks fly

In the letter you never wrote me - (I don't know when I wrote this)

In the letter you never wrote me

You said you loved me

you said you needed me

you said you couldn’t live without me

in the letter you never wrote me

you said your heart beat just for me

your veins burst crimson with love

your blood cried out my name

in the letter you never wrote me

you swore only a dream could feel this good

only a dream could make your heart ache with love

only a dream could heal you

In the letter you never wrote me

You promised all I’d ever need

You said you’d never leave

You called me your dream

I found the letter Beneath your bed

The last line read “faraway

Lies a place where love will find me

Glowing candles light the way”

But you were just a dream

wisps of smoke - 3/19/08

wisps of smoke
rise up in the air
billowing clouds
tell the stories we fear to speak
breathe in the colors
of the barroom
breathe in the colors
of death
breathe in the colors
of the children’s cries
breathe in the colors
of life
unfold
in colors
blue, silver, gold
flames licking at my feet
enfold
me in the majesty
of nature
overtaking concrete
crunching
beneath my feet
envelope
me in clouds
purple, pink, maroon
a rainbow
in the danger
a sunset
in the coming
soon the blackness comes
and covers up
the blame
return me home
wisps of smoke
rise up from underneath
sweet release
sweet emptiness
return to
apathy

girl (second draft) - 3/18/08

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Dream sweet dreams

But wake to terror

A kiss from some unknown

a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Give me courage, love, and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of wanting

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A girl

To bring you a son

The son

You always wanted

The son

You never had

The son

I’ll someday marry

And kids

must many have

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

You say, “Listen to your heart”

Until it tells me not to be

Just a girl

A Wife

A Mother

I am more than just these three

girl (first draft) - 3/17/08

Who do you think I am?

Just some girl

Worthless

And alone?

A future mother

Maybe

Just waiting for a man

Some princess in a tower

Too weak to lift her hand

Some woman

Lost and lonely

Some child in the dark

A girl like in the movies

With a knife held to her heart

Who do you think I am?

Am I the daughter you desire?

Am I a shame

To the family name?

Am I hopeless

One more lost?

Am I figurative language

Words better left unsaid

The fulfillment of your wishes

The last hope for grandkids many

Just a girl waiting

Sleeping beauty rest in peace

Let me dream of some great woman

Wake to a kiss from some great man

Sweetest guy could ever want

Save the smallest little fact

I’m a shame upon the family

A burden in my pain

Missing pieces of your childhood

Give me what you never had

Give me courage, love and hope

Keep me locked up in my heart

My mind is born of sorrow

Of something even more

I’m lost in your protection

I’m smothered by your love

A girl

To hold and cherish

A girl

To marry off

A boy

to carry on the name

A boy

To replace your son

Lock me in a tower

To be rescued by some prince

Slaughtered by his longing

Ignore my cries and screams

Ignore my heart that’s bleeding

Ignore my fragile tears

Who do you think I am?

Just a girl

To be a wife

To be a mother

To be perfection

Listen to your heart

Unless it tells you not to be

Just a girl

Wife

Mother

Any more than just these three

I haven't eaten yet today - (2/20/08)

I haven’t eaten yet today

Tomorrow, will it be the same?

What can cure this hunger?

No food, no drink

Nor did his kiss

Pained emptiness the same

Bile trickles from my throat

My stomach aches the more

Ignore emptiness for hunger

None could ever fill the void

What if? - 1/3/08

What if?
I wonder nervously
What life will I have then?
What if?
You sit there quietly
Trying to pretend
That it’s not a simple question
With a simple yes or no
That there’s nothing more to mention
Before you let me go
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
Fifty years is what I dreamed of
Fifty years of holding hands
One night is what you got from me
One night so soon to end
Let me go
Cause you don’t want to know
Let me go
Cause I don’t want to know
A simple little question
So many more after that
How did this get so messed up?
Hun, you’re gonna be a dad
What now?
I wonder nervously
How many tears to cry?
What now?
You walk away from me
Alone now I will cry

Sleeping - 9/19/07

Sleeping
used to be my sanctuary
but ever since our last-first kiss
I dread sleep
like waking
and dreams
like taking
that final step
quick like a band-aid
though we both know
it hurts the same

what future did we miss?
what did we expect to find
inside our first and final kiss?
I fear dreaming
cause my mind sees only you
I fear being
cause I fear that call from you
the inevitable
that hasn’t happened yet

Sleeping
was once my sanctuary
now its simply
a necessity
Holy Spirit
rescue me
bring back
my virginity

Suicide's Path - 9/17/07

7 years
of recurring scars
6 years
of missing southern stars
5 years
thinking about him
4 years
missing my favorite kin
3 years
of wondering if
2 years
fluctuating loneliness
1 year
of imaginary bliss
1 month
of planning only this
1 week
to make a dumb mistake
1 minute

and that's all it'd take