escape the cage
feel the air
heavy but free
insert my earphones
force out the voices
with beauty

Silence

try to force the words
hold tightly onto every syllable
"Everything will be OK."

a bombardment of voices
from inside
from outside
surrounded by gunfire
voices
trying to kill me
take away what's left of me

let it take me over
turn the noise into a peace
so holy one could cry
or die

my silence is killing me

do you know how it feels to be on suicide watch?
never have a moment to yourself
always fighting that imaginary villain
yielding swords and words with a vengeance yet uncaptured
knowing a single mistake could mean the end of the battle
knowing all along you'll give up in time
every soldier meets his end,
be it by blade or disease,
misfortune or fate,
every soldier meets his end
eventually

Holding

I'm holding onto something
intangible, secure
I'm holding onto something
I know that isn't true
I know that you can't save me
but to you I always cry
I want you to hold onto me
because tonight, I want to die

Ghost

There's a ghost in my dorm room
I hear her cry at night
she whispers to me as I sleep
"you'll never be alright"
I feel her holding onto me
I hear her final breath
the innocence that you stole from her
the reason for her death
she cries to me to save her
to erase that awful night
I hold her safely as she cries
it will never be alright
don't tell her that you understand
she knows that it's not true
the only thing she asks of me
she knows no one can do
there's a ghost in my dorm room
she's a rebel in the night
she tells me that it's over
No, I'll never be alright.

secrets
killing me
pulling me
into this abyss

secrets
burning me
burying me
beneath their weight

you always come around
with some crazy thing
you did last night
expecting me
to dig you out of it
but what am i supposed to say?
"hold on tight, girl"
"it'll be ok"
it won't, you know
you fucked up bad
but he's not worth
this pain
he's not worth
your tears
he's not worth
an ounce of regret
and he's certainly
not worth
your words

Surviving: Part 2

I'm a leaf
floating nervously in the wind
this gravity
pulls on me
like a hundred mighty elephants
each running for it's own life
each threatening
to take my life

I'm a flower
hiding under blankets of snow
seeking nothing more than just to know
the truth of this
monstrosity

I'm a pebble
in your shoe
annoying the crap out of you
but you leave me there
thinking eventually
I'll have to leave

Surviving: Part 1

a cut too deep
a trip to the ER
6 stitches
don't like to keep
secrets

my friends
call the cops
try to 302 me
i laugh and lie
my way into
some fake sanity

a night of
contemplation
a note
and then
a prayer

forced conversations
with too many
important strangers

too many worries
not enough tears
and i just wish i
could just
disappear

Number Line

I'm a 7 today
a 9 last night
I fear the fall
that comes at 10
hold onto the numbers
defining me
defining my
anxiety

Sympathy - 3/26/08

it's all I have to offer you
a hug
a playful kiss
but you have too much going on
to accept
even this
just listen to my words tonight
absorb them
let them live
just take the gift I'm giving you
it's all
I have to give

touch

the slightest touch
sends shivers up my spine
his words alone
enfold me in that beauty
a simple touch
fills the complex void
for a while
then I'm left
wanting so much more

Noose - 3/26/08

tie the apron strings
behind my back, around my
neck, a woman's role

Wendi Jo - 3/26/08

You are a kitten
nestled on Grandma's lap.
Her grip fails.
You fall,
a sparrow, now,
bright with independence,
hindered by a broken wing.
A lion and a mouse,
I watch you struggle amid the flock.
Take hold of a leaf
and you float away.

Penguin - 3/24/08

They call her "Penguin"
for she's young and waddles so.
Her little feet will carry her
and grow with her all her days,
but her wings are burdened by her size.
She'll learn someday, she cannot fly.

Jealousy - 3/24/08

jealousy is the green-eyed monster
that haunts my entire waking
don't pity me
for all it's worth
is a single slice in my own skin
you hold her and I see your eyes
dig deep into my soul
you raped me empty
stole my heart
then bargained with my soul
my jealous is nothing less
and nothing more than this
I wish you all the happiness
I'll receive without your kiss

To D. - 3/24/08

I haven't been fair to you, my friend
I've asked much more than you can ever give
do I ask too much in simply
calling you "my friend"?
do you ache whenever the phone rings
and you see my name on the caller ID?
have I done more harm than good to you?
have I tried your last ounce of patience?
please don't hate me for my neediness
I deserve no punishment for my broken heart
but you deserve more than I am able to give
so I say my last goodbye tonight
I won't hurt you anymore